


White Angel

by kirallea



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance, Snow, Spring, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-04-19 17:51:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4755584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirallea/pseuds/kirallea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An outlaw with a violent past, Xena leaves her homeland in hopes of a better life somewhere else. It's hard to stay strong when everything is falling apart, but one thing is for sure: even after the longest winter, the spring will always, always come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She's been thinking about death a lot for the last few weeks, but she never imagined her life would end this way, in a faraway place where everything is so different from what she's used to, especially the climate. She's up to her knees in snow, desperately trying to remain upright and keep walking, but it's difficult, because the icy wind is lashing at her with such force that she can barely keep her eyes open, let alone see what's in front of her. It's snowing hard, the snowflakes swirling and whirling around her in a way that makes her dizzy and nauseous. Everything around her is a white blur, has been for what feels like a very long time; she's starting to believe she has become blind, a thought that would have been frightening before, but isn't now, not at all.

She has no idea how long she's been trudging through the snow, doesn't even know how long she's been on the road in general. It must have been weeks, probably even months, because it was still warm when she left her homeland, the days only getting slightly shorter, the nights colder. She lost her horse at some point before it started to snow and has since been traveling by foot, without food or water or the comfort of having a bigger and stronger animal by her side. It's inconvenient and discouraging, having to travel alone in this weather, but she doesn't really care anymore, doesn't care about anything; she just knows she's headed up north, knows she has to get away from here, knows she has to get away from everything.

She's getting weaker and weaker, gasping for air and brushing snow from her face, shaking so hard she can barely move her legs. She can't feel her fingers or toes, thinks she has probably lost at least some of them. Her mind is starting to shut down, and it kind of feels like falling asleep, except if she falls asleep now, she won't wake up again, she's sure of that. 

She knows she deserves this, this and all the bad things that have happened to her, knows that after everything she's done, the least she can do is to suffer and die. It's not going to make up for the terrible crimes she committed back home, but at least the people in her homeland will get a peace of mind when her body is found, knowing that she experienced a long and painful death, lost and alone in a heavy blizzard in some faraway land. She had a feeling this day would come soon, and she has already accepted her fate, knows that this is probably for the best; and yet there is something that keeps her going, even though it would be so much easier to give up now, to give up and surrender. She's looking for something, she believes – she just doesn't know what it is.

Pulling her cloak closer around her, she stops, unable to keep walking. She's more exhausted than she has ever been in her life, and she's been through a lot; even standing seems to be too much for her, her shoulders trembling uncontrollably and knees buckling underneath her weight. She thinks she hears a dog bark somewhere in the distance, but it could be a hallucination, and probably is, because she's been seeing and hearing things for hours, whispers in the wind and outlines of buildings that are not there, no matter how real they might seem. Seconds later, her knees finally give in, and she falls forward, the world going black around her before she even hits the ground.

– 

At first she thinks she's dead, because she's not cold anymore, and there's no snow or wind or the blinding whiteness around her, but when she tries to lift her hand, her body protests with a burning pain, and she knows she's alive, knows that someone has found her, saved her. She cracks open her eyes and looks around, feeling relieved when she realizes she can still see, even though it hurts, and her eyes take a long time to adjust to the darkness of the room.

She's lying on a bed that is a little too small for her, wrapped in several layers of thick blankets. The room seems to be mostly empty; there is a stool next to the bed, and a shelf on the wall, and some other items she can't make out, probably pots. She blinks, trying to see further into the darkness, and her heart picks up when she hears a slight movement from across the room. Narrowing her eyes, she's able to spot two, three beds on the other side of the room, all of them occupied by people who appear to be asleep. She can hear their breathing, slow and heavy and regular, punctuated by soft sighs and faint grunts.

She shifts on the bed, trying to make herself as comfortable as possible, and looks at the ceiling, considering her options. She knows that she needs to get away from here as soon as possible, that she can't stay in one place for too long unless she wants to risk getting caught or her identity being discovered. It's not an easy decision to make, because she's still far too weak to travel, every muscle in her body screaming in protest when she tries to move, her skin throbbing and itching painfully. She decides to rest for a couple more hours and sneak out before the others wake up, not excited about the idea of having to interact with these people, or to explain why on earth she was wandering around in a blizzard. She doesn't know where to go, doesn't even know if the blizzard is still raging outside, but if there's a house in the woods, this house, it must mean that there are other houses in the area, barns and hay barracks and other structures she can sleep in.

She's so deep in thought that her heart jumps when she hears someone enter the room somewhere behind her and sees the glow of a candle on the wall, near the foot of the bed. The steps get closer, and she closes her eyes and tries to clear her mind, pretends to be asleep. She has always been good at acting, and the same goes for manipulating and threatening people, leading them on and getting them to bend to her will, but she's not sure how she'll do when she's too tired to concentrate. Her heart is still pounding in her chest when she hears something being placed on the stool next to the bed, and it skips a beat when someone sits down on the edge of the bed, so close that their bodies touch. 

A hand reaches under the blankets, tentatively searching for something, and she almost winces when it finds her own, pulling it out and exposing it to the chill of the room. She has no idea what is happening, and several worst-case scenarios pop into her head as she struggles to make sense of the situation, most of them involving her being subjected to some kind of attack, because she's vulnerable like this, an easy target for someone who would want to hurt her. Her hand is being examined closely, she can feel it, and she's so ready to strike, so ready to use all her remaining energy to leap out of the bed and fight that she almost flinches when a pair of hands gently close around her own. The hands are warm and soft, the touch firm but soothing, and she's already starting to relax, hating herself for letting her guard down so fast. After all she's been through, it's such a comfort, this kind of physical closeness with another human being, this connection. 

Her hand is being rubbed for several long moments, her palms and her fingers, everything except for her frostbitten fingertips. She's still pretending to be asleep, but it's getting increasingly difficult, because she can feel a pair of eyes on her, and she never does well under close scrutiny, especially if it's prolonged. Suddenly, the hands stop and pull away, and it makes her nervous again, but not nearly as much as before.

”Open your eyes,” a low female voice says. ”I know you're not sleeping.”

She ignores her, allows herself to relax. This person doesn't sound like she wants to hurt her; her voice is too faint, too soft. 

”Hey, come on,” the voice says. ”You don't have to pretend.”

She keeps her eyes shut, breathing deeply and evenly, and thinks about how warm she is under all these blankets, the wind still howling outside. 

”You don't want to talk?” the voice says, whispering now. ”That's okay, I guess, but I'm still going to treat your injuries, whether you want it or not.”

The girl reaches out to grab her right hand and resumes rubbing it, once or twice pausing and just holding it between hers. She tries to remember the last time someone touched her like this, like she was an actual human being, someone who deserves to be respected and cared for like everyone else, but she can't; it's been too long. 

Her eyes snap open, and as she blinks and tries to focus her gaze on the person who is still sitting beside her and holding her hand, it feels like this is the first time she actually sees something, like her eyes are finally functioning again, after what feels like years and years and years of suffocating blindness.

The candle on the stool illuminates the room just enough for her to see her face. A young woman, probably a few years younger than she is, blonde-haired and sweet-faced, peering at her with a mixture of curiosity and concern. Their eyes meet for a short moment, and then the girl drops her gaze, inspecting the cold, pale skin of her hand.

"It's bad, isn't it?" she says. Her voice comes out rough and throaty; it's been days since she last spoke to anyone.

"Well, yeah," the girl admits. "You have frostbites all over your body, and your body temperature is still low, but it's not as bad as it was a few hours ago. We've been trying to keep you warm, and I've been rubbing your hands and feet to warm up the skin and to get the blood to circulate again. It seems to be working, but, um. I can't promise a full recovery."

"That's alright," she says. "At least I'm alive."

"Do you want to have something to drink?" the girl asks. "I could make you some tea."

"Yeah, sure. Thanks." 

The girl comes back with a steaming cup and helps her to drink, holding the cup to her lips. It's just a few mouthfuls, but it's enough to heat up her body, enough to make her feel better.

"I'm sorry I can't give you anything to eat," the girl says and sets the cup down on the stool. "You must be starving after everything that's happened today. Or tonight, I guess."

"It's fine," she says, even though she's so hungry that the mere thought of food makes her mouth water. "Don't worry about me. I've been through worse."

"Really?" the girl sounds surprised. "Your body temperature was dangerously low when we found you."

"How did you find me?" 

"It was our dog," the girl says. "He was at the door, barking, trying to get out – we were confused, because there was no way we'd let him out in this weather, but he didn't stop, and we were starting to get worried, so, um. We followed him outside, and he went straight to you. You were lying unconscious in the snow, near our house."

"Oh. I thought I was lost in the woods. I was sure I was going to die."

"You have any idea how long you were out there?"

"I don't know – I lost track of time. It felt like an eternity, though.” 

"It must have been horrible," the girl says, shaking her head. She seems genuinely compassionate, brow furrowed and eyes filled with emotion. "I can't even imagine what you've been through. I've never been in a blizzard, and I'm glad I haven't."

"Mm."

"I don't think I've introduced myself yet," the girl says. "I'm Gabrielle."

"Xena," she says, and she immediately regrets telling her her name, but she's too tired and too much in pain to really worry about the consequences of this revelation, and Gabrielle doesn't seem shocked by the information anyway, so it's fine, it has to be.

"That's an – exotic name," Gabrielle says. "You're not from here, are you?"

"No. I, um. I come from a faraway place. Been a hell of a journey, believe me."

Gabrielle looks like she wants to ask something, but she doesn't, and it's such a relief, such a relief.

"Why aren't you sleeping like the rest of your family?" Xena asks, eager to change the subject.

"I stayed awake to make sure you're okay," Gabrielle says. She looks at her, sheepish. "You've been sleeping in my bed, too. I gave you both of my blankets – you needed them more than I did."

"Well, you can take them back now. I already feel much better."

"You can keep the blankets – it's fine, really. Your body temperature is still low, and I think I'm going to stay awake the whole night anyway, so."

"You should take them," Xena says. "Thanks for taking care of me, but I really have to go now, I can't stay—"

"You're not going anywhere," Gabrielle says, her voice low but firm. "You're too weak to move. You'd pass out before you reached the door."

"You don't understand," Xena says, pushing herself up to her elbows. "I need to—"

"You're not going anywhere," Gabrielle repeats, almost hissing this. She pushes Xena by the shoulder, trying to get her to lie down; she's surprisingly strong, or maybe it's just that Xena's so weak, because her body sinks back onto the bed, her back hitting the mattress with a heavy thump. "You need to stay in bed until you're better and your body temperature is back to normal. Three days, I'd say – two, if you're lucky."

"Now you're just starting to sound like a doctor," Xena murmurs, resentful.

"Well, my father is a doctor, so I guess I'm not surprised," Gabrielle says. "I've been watching him treat patients ever since I learned to walk. I am nowhere near as good as he is, of course, but I do know quite a bit about injuries and how to deal with them."

"Oh. I was wondering – you seemed very, um. Knowledgeable about what you were doing.”

"Well, let's just say that I have done this many times before,” Gabrielle says, smiling a little.

"I'm really tired," Xena says. "How about we both get some rest and go to sleep? You can take your blankets – I don't need them anymore."

"I can't go to sleep. I need to keep an eye on you in case you – try anything.”

”Like what?”

”Like walking out while I'm sleeping.” 

"I'm not going to sneak out while you're sleeping. You're the one who said I'd pass out if I tried to get out, remember?"

"Yeah, but I still need to look after you—"

"I already told you not to worry about me – I'm fine. I'm just going to get up and let you sleep on the bed, I can sleep on the floor—"

"No – don't get up! You need the bed more than I do."

"Okay. I'll stay in bed, but only if you take your blankets with you and get some rest, too."

"Fine." Gabrielle grabs a single blanket and gets up, wrapping it around her shoulders. "I'll sleep in the kitchen. And don't even think about trying to sneak out past me – I'm a light sleeper, and I'm definitely not fun to be around if I'm woken up in the middle of the night!”

Xena rolls her eyes at this, but her lips are twitching as she makes herself comfortable, and a small smile spreads on her face when Gabrielle turns her back to her and walks out of the room.

–

Xena ends up spending two nights at Gabrielle's house, which is much longer than she had originally planned, but she's still not strong enough to travel, and Gabrielle insists that she stay until she's recovered, says that she's just thinking about what's best for her. She sleeps for most of the day and only wakes up to eat, practically devouring everything that is placed in front of her, which is not much, but certainly better than nothing. Gabrielle's father examines her at some point during the day, and she's relieved when he tells her that her body temperature's back to normal and that she's likely to make a full recovery, albeit a slow one. He and his wife are quiet and serious and reserved, and they go into another room to talk when the examination is over, casting suspicious glances at her before disappearing. Xena doesn't blame them; she knows that she's different from most women in the area, tall and dark-haired and kind of mysterious, and that not everyone in this world is hospitable to strangers, especially if they refuse to give any information about themselves. Gabrielle is nothing like her parents, or even her sister; she sits on the stool next to the bed, ready to cater to her needs, and keeps an eye on her, makes sure everything's okay. Xena doesn't really feel like talking, especially with her parents around, but she's still comforted by her presence, soothed by the sound of her breathing. She thinks about Gabrielle, and her generosity, and the fact that she probably wouldn't want to even look at her if she knew about the things she'd done in the past. It makes her heart ache, so she squeezes her eyes shut and sleeps and sleeps and sleeps.

On the second day, Xena sleeps until lunch, which prevents her from fulfilling her plan to sneak out in the early hours of the morning. She sits up and stretches out her legs while the family eats in the kitchen, trying to psych herself up for the long journey that is ahead of her. When Gabrielle's parents come into the room to check on her, she gets up and thanks them for taking care of and feeding her. It's an awkward situation, Xena stumbling slightly with her words and Gabrielle's parents avoiding her eyes, but it still makes her feel like this is the right thing to do, that this is the right way to leave; these people saved her life, after all, these people let her stay over at their house and even gave her some of their food, even though they probably don't have much to eat, not during the winter. 

”So,” Gabrielle says when they're standing at the door, Xena dressed in her winter gear and Gabrielle shivering in her plain wool dress. ”This is it. You're leaving now. You sure you're feeling okay? Strong enough to walk and travel?”

”Yeah,” Xena says, even though she's still a little out of it and her muscles are already aching. ”Thanks for taking care of me. I really appreciate it.”

”No problem, I – we were glad to help. You sure you have all your things with you? I don't want you to leave anything behind.”

”I don't have much,” Xena says. ”Only the clothes I'm wearing right now. I lost everything else before the blizzard, and I didn't even have a lot to begin with. I guess I'll need to pick up some essentials along the way or something.”

”Right.” Gabrielle looks saddened by this, her gaze dropping to the ground before meeting hers again. ”I wish I could help you, but I can't. We don't really have that much, either. I'm sorry.”

”Don't be sorry,” Xena says. ”You already saved my life and took care of me, and I'm grateful of that. I wish I had something to give to you and your family, a gift as a way of saying thank you – you have been nothing but kind and generous to me. But I can't, as you already know.”

”It's alright,” Gabrielle says. ”This is what we do, me and my family – we help people. We don't really expect anything in return.”

”Well, I still want to – I'll make it up to you somehow, some day.”

”What are you planning to do next?” Gabrielle asks. ”I know it's none of my business, but, um. I could give you advice about the area, if you need any.”

”I think I'm going to stick around for a while,” Xena says. ”I can't travel in this condition. The weather's still pretty bad, too. Better wait until the wind dies down and it gets at least a little warmer.”

”Where will you spend the nights?” Gabrielle asks. ”You can't just stay out in the cold. You'd freeze to death during the night.”

”Don't worry about me,” Xena says. ”I'll figure out something.”

”Well, if you need a place to stay – there's an abandoned house a few miles down the road from here. It used to belong to an old farmer, but he died a few years back, and the house has been empty ever since. The house is not in a very good condition, but it will shelter you from wind and snow.”

”Thanks for the tip. I'll keep that in mind.”

”Glad I could help.”

”Well, actually – I think I'll go check it out right now. It's not like I'm going to find a better place to stay, so. It might be a good idea.”

”Do you want me to show you the place?” Gabrielle asks. ”I could walk you there. It's kind of difficult to find, with so much snow on the ground and everything—”

”You don't have to. I'm sure I can find it by myself—”

”But I want to! You're still not fully recovered, you need someone to make sure you get there safely.”

”Gabrielle—”

Gabrielle turns around and disappears into the house. "Let me just grab my cloak and an extra blanket for you, and we're out of the house!"

Xena lets out an aggravated sigh, but she can't say she's completely disappointed by how the situation turned out.

Both of them now properly dressed for the weather, they set off to the house, Xena carrying the blanket Gabrielle had insisted she take with her and Gabrielle holding a small bowl of soup – their dinner, she says. They trudge through the snow to the main road, and Xena looks around curiously as they make their way through the village, trying to etch every detail into her mind. There's not much to see; it's a rural area, and there are only twenty, twenty-five families inhabiting the village, their farms scattered across the vast countryside. The place is eerie but beautiful, a thick silence hanging over the houses, the snow bright against the endless gray sky, the air clear and clean. There are only a few people around, and Gabrielle greets all of them cheerfully, with a friendly smile on her face. The villagers seem to like Gabrielle, which doesn't come as a surprise to Xena, but they keep throwing suspicious glances in her direction, clearly conflicted about whether they should talk to her or not. They don't, which is a relief.

"Well, what do you think?" Gabrielle asks when they're on the outskirts of the village, surrounded by nothing but fields and woods and snow.

"What do I think about what?"

"About this place – about the village. Is it anything like where you're from?"

"Seems like a peaceful place," Xena says. "Kind of reminds me of my home village. I'm still not used to the snow, though – we don't really get it where I live. I have seen snow before, but never more than an inch or two."

"We don't get this much snow that often, either. Some winters, there's no snow at all, but that's kind of unusual, too. We usually get a few inches of snow during the winter – sometimes more, sometimes less."

"You lived here your whole life?" 

"Yeah. It's a small, tightly-knit community, and we all know each other very well, which is both a blessing and a curse. I'd really like to travel, though, see the world outside this tiny village. There are so many beautiful places I haven't seen yet, so many nice people I have never met. You've been traveling a lot, right? You must have been to so many places and experienced a lot of things – you're so, so lucky."

"Traveling is not always fun," Xena says. "It's difficult and exhausting and sometimes dangerous, and there are times when you feel very, very lonely. You see nice places, meet nice people, yeah, but those moments are very rare. It's much more demanding than you think, living a life like that – not only physically, but also mentally."

Gabrielle seems to consider this, brow furrowing in thought, lips pursing into a slight pout. The snow creaks under their feet, their breaths steaming in the frigid air. The clouds are finally starting to clear, the sun peeking through the cracks.

"Would you think I was completely crazy if I told you I have no idea where we are?" Xena asks, her voice softer now. "I only know I've been heading up north, but I didn't really meet that many people on my journey, and then there was the blizzard, so. I'm kind of lost right now." 

"I wouldn't think you were crazy," Gabrielle says. "It's understandable, given the circumstances. Anyway, you're in the land of Lithuania – you know where that is? This is a very remote area, and there are no towns nearby, just small villages and a lot of forests, as you have already noticed."

"Oh. I was thinking – somewhere in the Baltic region, yeah."

"So, where exactly are you from?" Gabrielle asks. "Are you from the Roman Empire?"

"Somewhere around there, yeah. I've been traveling a lot for the past five or six years, even before I came up here, so technically, I haven't been home for a long time."

"And what exactly brings you up here?"

Xena looks down at the snow, hugging the blanket closer to her body. This is the topic she's been trying to avoid ever since she met Gabrielle. She doesn't want to lie to someone as sweet as her, which is weird, because she's never had a problem with lying before, but she can't tell the truth, either, at least not the whole truth. "Well. Something bad happened to me, and I just – I just had to leave my homeland. I don't think I can go back, so I've been traveling and – looking for a place to settle down for a while, I guess."

”Oh.” Gabrielle hesitates and looks away, clearly wanting to say something, but she doesn't. Xena lets out a breath, tries to think about something else. 

They walk the rest of the way in silence and eventually reach the house, which seems like a perfect place for temporary accommodation and is also ideal for a secret hideout; it's secluded and shabby, located at the edge of the forest, several hundred yards away from the main road. The roof is partly collapsed, the window shutters hanging off their hinges, and there's old furniture everywhere, a thick musty smell hanging in the air. Gabrielle looks horrified by the mess, her eyes sweeping over the dirt and dust and snow that has fallen through the hole in the ceiling, but Xena's not worried, not at all. 

"Thanks for bringing me here," she says, turning to Gabrielle. ”This is exactly what I was looking for.”

"Are you sure you want to stay here?" Gabrielle asks. "This place looks worse than I remembered.”

"I'm sure," Xena says. "I'm not going to stay long anyway. A few days, maybe – certainly no longer than a week. I'll just make a few adjustments, fix some things, and I'm sure I'll be alright."

"Do you need help?" Gabrielle asks, setting the bowl down on a wooden bench. "It will be done faster if we work together."

"You don't have to, Gabrielle. I can do it by myself."

"No, Xena – I'm glad to help, really. It's not like I need to go back home or anything – my mother doesn't need my help today. I want to – just let me help, okay?"

"Well, if you insist," Xena says, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "I guess I wouldn't mind having some company around here."

"Great," Gabrielle says, smiling, too. Her smile is warm and bright, and it reaches all the way up to her eyes, makes them sparkle with delight. "I'll fix the window, okay?"

"Okay. I'll get the fire going and take a closer look at the roof."

They spend the rest of the day working on the house. They work mostly in silence, only exchanging a few words here and there, but Xena doesn't mind at all. It's a comfort, actually, knowing that she's not alone, that she doesn't have to fill the silence if she doesn't feel like it. They take a break late in the afternoon, sitting by the hearth and eating the soup, shoulders nearly touching, arms occasionally brushing against each other. It's nice, too, a moment she thought she would never experience again, Gabrielle talking animatedly about the village as they eat, their spoons clinking against the bowls they had found on a particularly dusty shelf near the hearth. 

By the time they finish renovating the house, it's already dark, darker than it was two nights ago, the clouds completely gone. Xena stops to look up before going inside, marveling at the abundance of stars scattered across the night sky, enjoying the endless silence of the woods and the fields around her. She has never been particularly religious, or even spiritual, but as she stands there looking and listening, she feels an overwhelming sense of calm and peace, like she's being protected by the stars and the trees and the icy fog that hangs over the fields. She hasn't experienced anything like that in a very long time, and it's good, it's invigorating, the feeling of being healed, the feeling of still being alive.

Gabrielle is standing in front of the hearth, gazing into the fire and warming her hands. She looks up when she hears the door open, and their eyes meet from across the room, the two of them exchanging tired smiles. The room is mostly dark, the corners hidden in shadows, but Gabrielle's face is illuminated by the flames, her skin glowing in the golden light.

"There you are," Gabrielle says. "I was about to – go look for you."

"I was just making sure everything's alright," Xena says. "It's all done now, I think. I still have to clean up the house, but yeah – the place is livable again. Thanks for helping me out."

"No problem," Gabrielle says, smiling. "I've spent a lot of time indoors lately, so it was a welcome change. I feel accomplished, and that's a really good feeling."

”Yeah,” Xena says, softy. ”I agree with you.”

"Well," Gabrielle says, pulling her gloves back on. "I think I'd better head back home. My parents are probably starting to wonder where I am."

"Do you want me to walk you back to the village?" Xena asks.

"Oh – you don't have to.”

”But it's getting late, and you never know what's out there in the dark—”

"It's not like I'm going to get kidnapped or anything like that. I've been outside at night many times before – the area is completely safe, believe me. There aren't even any wild animals around here, not at this time of the year."

”Well, if you say so,” Xena says, even though she's still not completely convinced about this. ”Good night, Gabrielle. Have a safe trip back home.”

”Good night.” Gabrielle smiles at her, almost timid now. ”See you around.”

”Yeah. See you.”

She watches Gabrielle leave, hears the door creak as she closes it behind her, and sits down by the fire, staring into the crackling flames as she stretches out her tired limbs and allows the warmth to seep into her bones. It feels weird to be alone after being surrounded by people for two days, but she knows it won't happen again, that kind of prolonged human interaction, at least not in a long time. Xena's used to loneliness; she's always been kind of a lone wolf, even when she was powerful and had an army of supporters, and she doesn't really mind, doesn't really think about it most of the time, but there are days when she just yearns for a friendship, a romantic relationship, anything, and the emotional closeness, the feeling of loving someone and being loved in return. The thoughts are flooding her mind now, more depressing than ever, and she shakes her head in a desperate attempt to clear her mind, knows she's just overly exhausted. She lies down on the bench near the hearth and pulls the blanket over her, quickly falling into a restless, restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Xena pushes the door open with her foot and walks into the house, holding a dead rabbit in her hand. She's red-cheeked and slightly out of breath, but she smiles as she puts the animal down on the table, blood dripping everywhere on the floor. There's blood on her hands, too, and on her clothes, big dark stains that will probably be difficult to remove, but even that is not enough to sour her mood, not right now. With a content hum, she turns back to the hearth and makes a fire, strips down to her underwear and wraps a blanket around her shoulders, huddling near the flames to stay warm.

This will be her first proper dinner in a long, long time. She's been out hunting every day for the past week, setting traps and crouching behing bushes and trees, bow in hand and an arrow ready, but her attempts have been unsuccessful so far, mostly because she's still not used to the abundance of snow everywhere, and also because she's not familiar with the fauna of the area. 

She washes her clothes, scrubbing and scrubbing until she's sure all the blood is gone, and hangs them over the hearth to dry. She sits down by the fire and stays seated for what feels like a very long time, staring into the crackling flames and listening to the noises from outside, waiting and waiting and waiting. Once or twice, she thinks she hears something, but when she goes to the window and peeks out, there's nothing there, just snow and clouds and a squirrel running across the yard, a soft winter breeze rustling the branches of the trees. She shakes her head and walks back to the hearth, sighing as she slumps down on the bench.

It's been three days since Gabrielle last visited her, three long and cold and lonely days, filled with nothing but deep silence and depressing thoughts. She came over almost every day for the first week, but then something happened, and Xena hasn't heard anything from her since. It's weird and kind of embarrassing, longing for the company of someone she barely even knows, because she used to go weeks without really talking to anyone, and it was fine, but somehow, this is not. Xena is aware of the implications of this situation, knows that she should not allow herself to get too attached to Gabrielle, but she's so sick and tired of being lonely that she doesn't even care anymore.

She gets up and puts on her clothes, unable to stand the silence anymore, hating the darkness that seems to follow her wherever she goes. The clothes are still damp, and it makes her shiver violently, but she doesn't care; she wants to see Gabrielle, needs to see Gabrielle, needs to make sure everything's okay. It means she has to go to the village, the place she has been avoiding all week because she just doesn't have the energy to deal with people who might be hostile towards her, but it's better than staying here all alone.

The walk to the village is long, and she's relieved when the first houses come into view, the main road opening up in front of her. There are a lot of people around, farmers talking to each other and little kids screaming and laughing and running around in the snow. They all turn to stare as she walks by, women huddling together and whispering in fearful voices, men giving her suspicious looks and shaking their heads. Xena couldn't care less; she's used to this, used to men glaring and shouting profanities at her, even though people usually reacted in a different way, screaming and fleeing in terror when she entered the village with her army. She makes her way through the village, eyes strictly on the road ahead of her, and her heart jumps in delight when she finally spots a familiar figure in the distance.

Gabrielle is standing in the middle of the road near her house; she appears to be engaged in a conversation with a young man riding a dark horse, his back turned to Xena. Xena slows down, breathless, suddenly unsure of how to proceed. She's still several hundred feet away from them, but she doesn't feel like getting much closer, not wanting to interrupt anything, or even worse, join the conversation, but she keeps walking anyway, hoping Gabrielle would notice her. It's not long before Gabrielle turns her head and spots her, and her face lights up in a way Xena will probably never forget. She says something to the man, and then she's already jogging towards her, the man glancing over his shoulder and giving them a confused look before pressing his calves against the horse's sides and riding off.

”Xena!” Gabrielle says when they are close enough to hear each other. ”Oh – it's so good to see you!”

”You too,” Xena says. 

”I was just on my way to see you, actually,” Gabrielle says. ”I just – got distracted, as you could probably see.”

”Oh. I was wondering how you were doing, because I haven't seen you around in a while, so. I decided to come to see you.”

”I wasn't avoiding you on purpose,” Gabrielle says. ”I just – I figured you might want to have some time for yourself, that's all. I knew you had things to do, stuff you needed to figure out and everything, and I didn't want to bother you, and I was starting to become worried, and—”

”You weren't bothering me, Gabrielle,” Xena says. ”I was glad for the company. I thought you knew that.”

”I did,” Gabrielle says, slightly sheepish. ”Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to back off for a while, to give you time to prepare for your departure. A couple of days passed, and I started to worry that I had waited too long. I figured you might have left already, because you said you were only going to stay for a week or so, so, yeah.”

”Well, I'm still here,” Xena says. ”I have not yet decided where to head from here, so I think I'm going to stick around a little longer.” For the past week, she's been actively gathering information about the area by exploring the surrounding wilderness and listening to the stories Gabrielle has told her about the village and its history, and she now has a fairly clear idea of where exactly she is and what her options are. Her plans are much less structured, and as long as she's thinking about it, there's no reason to leave, not really. 

”That's good to hear,” Gabrielle says. Their eyes meet, and she smiles that dazzling, dazzling smile. ”You want to walk?”

”Yeah, sure.”

They make their way back to the village, where they quickly become a subject of attention, except this time, the people seem wary and confused, unsure of how to react to Gabrielle's presence. Gabrielle appears to be more confident; she's all smiles, saying hello and how are you and nice weather we have today, distracting them with her charm. Xena finds the whole thing almost amusing, but she's still relieved when they reach the other end of the village, leaving the people behind.

”So,” she says. ”Who was that guy you were talking to?”

”That was Perdicus,” Gabrielle says. ”He lives in a nearby village. We're supposed to get married next year.”

”Oh.” Xena's heart sinks in her chest, a heavy weight settling on her shoulders. ”Well – you like him?”

”Not romantically, but as a friend, yes,” Gabrielle says. ”I've known him ever since I was a little girl, and I feel comfortable with him, so I think it's going to be fine.”

”Right.” Xena is still reeling, doesn't know whether she should feel relieved or disappointed by all this information. 

Gabrielle glances around and lowers her voice. ”I mean, it's not ideal, but it could be a lot worse, you know? Most of the guys around here are complete assholes, but Perdicus – he's a nice person, and I know our marriage will make both families happy, so I'm okay with it, too."

”That's – good for you, I guess.”

”Don't tell anyone I told you this, okay? People have high expectations of us, and I don't want them to know I'm not as excited about this as they are.”

”I don't know anyone in this village, Gabrielle. You are the only person I talk to around here. The others avoid me, as you can see.”

”Well,” Gabrielle says. ”You should—”

There is shouting in the distance, and she trails off, both of them turning to look at where the noise is coming from. A group of kids are running through the field toward them, snow crunching under their feet and whirling around them like dust on a hot summer day. Xena freezes, unsure of what to do, but Gabrielle is already walking toward them, and she has no option but to follow her, very reluctantly.

”Gabrielle!” a little girl says. She's running ahead of the others, and she stops right in front of them, gasping for air and gesturing back to her friends. ”We were playing on the ice on the Pond, and Erik slipped and fell, and he hurt his arm really bad, he can't even move it—”

”It's okay,” Gabrielle says, her voice calm – almost maternal, Xena thinks. ”I'll take a look at it.”

The others reach them quickly; they're wide-eyed but clearly relieved to see Gabrielle, panting hard as they each give their version of what exactly happened at the Pond. A little boy is walking behind his friends, clutching his left arm, eyes swollen and tears streaming down his face. Gabrielle shushes the others and walks up to him, crouching down to his level.

”Where does it hurt?” she asks him, softly. The others have fallen silent, all eyes on the two of them. 

”My arm – especially my shoulder,” the boy says, his voice trembling. ”I fell on it.”

”You sure you didn't hurt anything else when you fell?” Gabrielle looks him up and down. ”Your leg, your head? Head injuries can be very dangerous, you know.”

”Just my arm, I think,” the boy says.

Gabrielle helps him to take off his coat and carefully runs her hand up and down his arm, feeling around for injuries. The boy is shivering in his plain thin tunic, arm exposed to the cold air. He seems to have calmed down somewhat, but he whimpers when Gabrielle flexes his arm, a fresh wave of tears filling his eyes. Gabrielle stops in an instant, pulling her hand away and leaning closer to say something to him. Her words are too quiet for anyone else to hear, but they're spoken softly, with such love and compassion that Xena feels her chest swell with warmth. 

”You have a dislocated shoulder,” Gabrielle says and gets up. ”Don't worry, it's going to be alright – we just have to put your shoulder back into place, that's all.”

She leads the boy to the edge of the forest, the others trailing behind them, and asks him to sit down on a fallen tree, crouching down in front of him. Xena walks behind the group, careful to maintain the distance between her and the kids. She doesn't know how to deal with children, and it makes her feel awkward and out of place, especially because Gabrielle seems to be handling the situation really well, much better than Xena ever would. Xena's used to being in a position of unquestioned authority, but her troops never responded to her like this, the kids gazing at Gabrielle in awe as they flock together in the snow, quickly falling silent when Gabrielle glances at them and raises a finger on her lips, asking rather than demanding. 

Gabrielle is preparing the boy for the operation, smiling and speaking softly to him as she bends his arm and holds it against his stomach. The kids gather around them, cautious and quiet, holding their breaths as if something magical is about to take place. Xena stays back, but she's staring, too, as fascinated as she is curious, lips parted just slightly as she takes in the scene in front of her.

”This is going to hurt a little, but only for a few seconds, and then it will be over, okay?” Gabrielle says to the boy. The boy nods, his lower lip shaking, and squeezes his eyes shut, his face twisting as if he's already in pain.

Slowly and carefully, Gabrielle rotates his arm outward, her other hand cupped around his elbow. The boy yelps in pain but doesn't start crying, bites his lip to hold back tears. Gabrielle pushes his arm forward, and finally, moves it inward, holding it against his chest. 

”Don't move your arm,” she says, getting up. ”Well, how do you feel? It's back in place now.”

”I felt it move,” the boy says. ”It still hurts, but – but not as much as before.”

”That's good.” Gabrielle scoops a handful of snow off the trunk and hands it to him. ”Here – put this on your shoulder. It will decrease swelling and ease the pain.”

The boy accepts the snow with a timid smile. ”Thank you, Gabrielle.”

”You're welcome,” Gabrielle says, smiling gently at him. ”You were a brave little boy. Just don't go out on the ice anymore, okay? It's very dangerous, and not only because you might slip and hurt yourself.”

”Is he going to be alright?” 

”Yes,” Gabrielle says, turning to the boy who had asked the question. ”He just needs to stay in bed for a couple of days and let his arm rest.”

”How did you know what to do, Gabrielle?” a small, brown-haired girl asks. ”Have you done that before? Twisted someone's arm like that?”

”Yes,” Gabrielle says. ”Many times, actually.”

Xena watches her with reverent admiration, heart swelling in her chest as she listens to the conversation between her and the kids. It makes her feel warm and content, seeing this: the way the kids swarm around Gabrielle, eyes filled with wonder, and the way Gabrielle smiles back at them, gentle and kind and comforting. 

”Make sure Erik gets home safely, okay?” Gabrielle says to the others. The kids nod eagerly, clearly honored to be trusted with such a responsibility. ”Thank you – that is very kind of you.”

”Will you come to see me, Gabrielle?” the boy who hurt his arm asks, looking up at her with a hopeful expression.

”I will,” Gabrielle says. ”I'll come over in a couple of days and make sure your shoulder is healing properly.”

The kids start to leave, and Xena watches with vague interest as two girls help the injured boy to get up and steer him toward the village. The others follow them slowly, casting curious glances at Xena as they walk past her. They seem to be intimidated by her, quickly looking away when she locks eyes with them, squirming in front of her as if they can't decide whether to stay or run away. 

”Who's that?” one of them asks.

”That's Xena,” Gabrielle says. ”She's my friend.”

”Does she live here?”

”Well, not exactly. Why don't you ask her yourself? Just go say hello – she's a very nice person.”

The kids hesitate, kicking at the snow with the toes of their boots and exchanging meaningful glances, waiting for someone, anyone, to initiate the conversation.

”Come on,” Gabrielle says. ”She's not that scary, really.”

”It's okay, Gabrielle,” Xena says. ”They must be tired after everything that's happened today. I think they just want to go home.”

The kids mumble in agreement and run through the snow to catch up to their friends. One of them turns back to wave at Gabrielle, and then they're gone, disappearing behind piles of snow lining the road, their voices fading until all Xena can hear is the howling wind and the rustling of the trees above her head. 

”Sorry about that,” Gabrielle says, turning to face Xena. ”These kids – they are a wild bunch. This happens pretty much all the time.”

”Really?” 

”Yeah. One of them falls from a tree, or gets bitten by a horse, something like that, and then they come find me and ask for help. I don't mind, though. They're cute and sweet, and I really like helping them out. It gives me a chance to practice my medical skills, too, so in a way, we all get something out of it.”

”That's an interesting way to look at it.”

”I guess so. Well – what was it that we were talking about?”

They spend the rest of the afternoon walking around the village, talking about nothing in particular, just enjoying the mild weather and each other's company. It's enough to make Xena feel better, to the point where she's starting to wonder why she'd been so anxious earlier in the day, convinced that something was wrong, that there was nothing she could do about it.

”I think I'll head back home,” Gabrielle says when it starts getting dark, the night rolling in over the horizon. 

”Me too,” Xena says. ”Dinner's waiting. Caught a rabbit earlier today – can't wait to cook and eat it."

”Will you take me hunting with you some time?” Gabrielle asks. ”I'd like to learn, because, well. We don't really have that much to eat, either.”

”I thought your father hunts together with other men. I've seen them once or twice – they've set traps deep in the forest.”

”He goes hunting with his friends every now and then. He doesn't really need to, because his clients pay him in food and other goods, and that's usually enough to keep us fed, but there are times when people just can't afford to pay as much for his services, and that's when he has to get his gear and go out to hunt down our dinner. Sometimes, he comes back with enough food for all of us, but sometimes, he – well, he doesn't.”

”I see. Well, you're welcome to join me if you want – I'll teach you the basics, everything you need to know.”

”Thanks. That's very nice of you.”

”No problem. And remember you can always come over if you want. Always.”

”Good to know.” Gabrielle smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes, the corners of her lips quirked upward, just slightly. ”Just tell me when you're leaving, okay?”

”I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to you, Gabrielle,” Xena says. Gabrielle looks up at her, and their eyes meet in the silence that follows; Xena wants to touch her, wants to brush her hair behind her ear or cup her cheek, but she doesn't, knows it would be inappropriate. ”Well – good night. See you soon.”

”See you,” Gabrielle says. It's a promise, spoken with assurance, and Xena's heart is fluttering in her chest for the first time in days, a buzz of giddy anticipation filling her before she can even turn away from those beautiful deep eyes.

–

The day is gloomy but not too cold, the clouds hanging low in the sky, the trees behind the house still and silent. There are footprints in the snow, fresh ones, leading all the way up to the front of the house, but there's nobody around, and the door is still closed, the window shutters shut. Xena walks faster, knowing she's late, that Gabrielle is waiting for her. Gabrielle's not going to be mad, Xena already knows this, but she still feels a little bad about it, mostly because this is the first time she has let her down, even though it's nothing serious. 

She's almost at the front door when Gabrielle appears from behind the house with a worried look on her face. She is glancing around, clearly nevous, and she relaxes visibly when she sees Xena, shoulders slumping and a breath leaving her lips. Xena's too far away to actually hear it, but she can see it, the way Gabrielle's lips part, the way her chest heaves, the way her face eases into a small, soft smile.

”Hi,” Xena says. ”Sorry I'm late. You been waiting for a long time?”

”Not really,” Gabrielle says. ”I thought you had already – left or something. Where have you been?”

”I was over at Mr. Novak's house,” Xena says. 

”Really?” Gabrielle perks up, pleased to hear this. ”What did you do over there? Have you made new friends?”

”Kind of, I guess,” Xena says. "We met while hunting for food in the forest. He told me he has a wife and five kids and that he's constantly struggling to feed his family, especially during the winter months. I had already caught a deer and a rabbit, so I told him to take the deer, because, well, he obviously needed it more than I did. I can survive on very little food if I have to, but he had a whole family to feed, and I just – I just wanted to help.”

”Really? That's great, Xena!” Gabrielle grabs her arm, beaming up at her. ”I'm glad you're starting to actually interact with the people who live here. And what you did for Mr. Novak and his family – that's very nice of you.”

”It was the right thing to do,” Xena says, shrugging. ”I'm surprised he was even willing to talk to me in the first place. Nobody here does, except for you.”

”Mr. Novak lives outside the village,” Gabrielle says. ”He's not really one for gossip, either. Some people love to spread rumors and judge others, especially if they're not from around here, but he's not like that at all. I just – I'm really glad you met him.”

”Me too,” Xena says. ”You ready to go hunting?”

”Yeah, absolutely.” This is going to be their first hunting trip together, something Xena has secretly been looking forward to for days.

”Great. Just let me grab my bow, and we can get started.”

They make their way into the forest, where Xena teaches Gabrielle how to trap animals by showing her a variety of different traps and how to build them. Gabrielle is a good student; she asks a lot of questions and insists on trying everything herself but is not afraid of failing or initimidated by the idea of learning by trial and error. Xena's impressed, and even though she doesn't say it, she can tell by the smile on Gabrielle's face that she knows this, too.

”That was lesson number one,” Xena says. ”This is lesson number two: hunting with a bow. Now, this is something that requires a fair amount of practice, so don't expect to learn how to shoot a bow overnight. It'll take months, maybe even years, for you to become a skilled hunter.”

”I've been looking forward to this,” Gabrielle says, eyes on Xena's bow. ”I have always wanted to use a bow, but my father never let me even touch his, let alone take me hunting with him.”

”That means we need to start from the beginning,” Xena says. ”The first thing I'm going to teach you is how to handle a bow. We're going to spend a lot of time making sure you learn the right technique, the correct way to hold a bow, things like that. It's important to get the basics down right off the bat, because if you don't, everything's going to be a lot more difficult.”

”I wish I could practice by myself,” Gabrielle says. ”I just don't have a bow or arrows or anything, and I don't think my father would let me use his bow, either.”

”I can make you a bow and some arrows if you want to,” Xena says.

”You don't need to, Xena,” Gabrielle says hurriedly. ”I didn't mean it that way. I can use yours, if you let me. It's not a problem to me.”

”I don't mind making you one, really. It's not even difficult – you just need to find a good piece of wood and some string, that's all. You'd need your own bow anyway – you can't keep using mine forever.”

”That's true. Well, if you don't mind—”

”I don't, Gabrielle. It's the least I can do after everything you've done for me. Come on, let's get started, or we're going to be here all day.”

They start with the proper stance, Xena demonstrating how to hold the bow, how to nock an arrow, how to release it. Gabrielle looks thrilled when Xena hands the bow to her, and she's quick to follow her instructions, brow knitting in concentration as she draws the bow. Her arms are trembling just slightly as Xena walks around her, correcting her stance, her hand resting on the small of Gabrielle's back, then on her shoulder, their fingers brushing against each other as she reaches out to show her how to grip the bow. She knows she shouldn't be touching her like this, but she can't stop, doesn't think she could even if she wanted to. There's something about seeing Gabrielle with a bow that makes her look really attractive, and maybe it's her posture, or the look of determination on her face, Xena doesn't know, but she's mesmerized, completely under her spell.

She has decided to keep the lesson short, mostly because they already spent a lot of time with the traps, but Gabrielle insists on firing arrows into a tree before leaving, claiming that it would help her learn how to handle the bow. Xena puts her hands on her hips and watches in silent exasperation as an arrow after another cuts through the air and flies past the tree, falling to the ground or disappearing into the bush behind the tree. She has to go back and forth several times, searching for the arrows and bringing them back to Gabrielle, who doesn't seem to tire at all.

”I think we should call it a day and go home,” Xena says at some point, after what feels like hours of practice. 

”Not yet,” Gabrielle says in a firm voice, eyes still locked on the tree. ”I want to do this.”

”Gabrielle, it's getting late, and we've been here for a long time. We can practice more tomorrow.”

”No,” Gabrielle says. ”Let me try a few more times. I know I can do it if I keep trying.”

Xena lets out an aggravated sigh and folds her arms across her chest, eyes darting back and forth between Gabrielle and the tree. Gabrielle is clearly starting to get tired, and Xena can see her struggling to focus, forehead furrowing and eyes narrowing as she aims, face almost twisting into a grimace right before she releases the arrow. The first one is a clear miss; the second one is better, but still off, narrowly missing the tree. On the third try, the arrow finally sinks into the trunk, leaving them both so stunned that it takes them a moment to realize what just happened.

"Look," Gabrielle says, lowering the bow. Her hair is disheveled from the wind, and she's slightly out of breath, but she smiles when she looks at Xena, almost giddy in her triumph. "I did it."

"Well done," Xena says. "That was a good shot."

"You didn't think I had it in me, did you?" Gabrielle asks, walking over to the tree and yanking the arrow from the bark. 

"You have a lot of potential, but it's been a long day, and there are a lot of things that can affect your ability to aim and shoot, especially if you're a beginner." 

"That means I really did surprise you, right? Well, you know what? Next time, I'll do even better."

"Just keep shooting like that, and you'll be a pro in no time."

"Really? You're kidding, right?"

"Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Gabrielle looks up at her, slightly confused; Xena bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. "Well – I don't think so. Can we go home now? I'm exhausted."

"Sure," Xena says, and this time, she doesn't think twice about wrapping her arm around Gabrielle's shoulders and pulling her close. 

– 

”My parents don't want me to go hunting with you anymore,” Gabrielle says, serious and sincere, eyes glued to the flames. 

Xena glances at her out of the corner of her eye, waiting for Gabrielle to provide more information, but she doesn't. She doesn't look at her, either, and it's making her kind of anxious, because they'd been talking and laughing and teasing each other just moments earlier.

"Can't say I'm surprised to hear that," Xena says, her voice low.

It's a dark winter night, and they're sitting in front of the fire at Xena's house, warming up after a long day in the woods. They'd been out hunting – which makes this ironic, Xena thinks – but had been unsuccessful, the traps empty and the animals hiding in their caves, refusing to come out. They had to come back without meat, which is inconvenient and frustrating but not catastrophic. There's still some left from their last hunting trip, enough to feed Gabrielle's family for two more days.

"I mean – they didn't explicitly forbid me from doing that, but I could tell they were upset about it," Gabrielle says. 

"Why would they want you to stop hunting?" Xena asks. "I thought your family doesn't have much to eat."

"It's my father," Gabrielle says. "He sees it as an insult, thinks this means he can't properly provide for his family. He's embarrassed and too proud to let anyone help him out."

"Of course," Xena says and shakes her head. "Should have known this would happen."

"He's very stubborn – just like I am. My mom always says I get it from him."

"Mm." Xena picks up a branch and stirs the coals in the hearth, letting the warmth soak into her bones. "Well, what are you going to do?"

"I'm not going to stop hunting, of course," Gabrielle says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. ”I want us to stay healthy and have food to eat. That's more important than anything, especially something as petty as pride.” 

"I knew you'd say that." Xena smiles at her, and Gabrielle looks up and smiles back, nose wrinkling up and dimples forming in her cheeks. "You want more tea?"

"Sure. Thanks."

Xena gets up and reaches for the kettle, pouring water into their mugs. Gabrielle hands her the herbs, and she drops them in the water, watching as they swirl and whirl and float around like tiny snowflakes in a miniature blizzard. Feeling sick, she looks away and pushes one of the mugs into Gabrielle's hands.

"It's getting late," Gabrielle says, taking a sip from her tea. "I need to get going soon. I just – I really don't want to, you know?"

"I wish you could stay, too."

"Can I sleep over at your house some time? We could go hunting early in the morning, before anybody else is awake.”

"Yeah, sure. I just don't think your parents would be thrilled about that. They don't seem to like me much, and I don't blame them – people like you shouldn't really hang out with people like me."

"Why not?" Gabrielle stares at her, confused. Xena bites her tongue and looks away, hating herself for saying that. "Well, anyway – I'll drink this and then I'll go home."

"Be careful on your way back," Xena says. "The clouds have been getting darker all day. I think it's going to snow tonight." 

"That reminds me," Gabrielle says and puts the mug down. "How is your recovery coming along? I haven't checked on you lately."

It's been four weeks since the blizzard, four weeks since she almost lost her life, four weeks since they first met. It feels like she has known Gabrielle for much longer – years, maybe, possibly even a lifetime. And it's not just her; just staying here, in this village, has been good for her, probably because it has given her a chance to take it easy and reflect on her past, something she tries to avoid but knows is inevitable. She still feels terrible about it, has trouble sleeping at night, but with each passing day, it all seems more like a bad dream rather than something that really happened, and she thinks it's a good sign, even though she also knows that she will never be able to forget the things she did, not completely. 

"I'm doing just fine," Xena says. "My feet still look swollen and weird, but it's getting better, little by little – the skin's healing and I'm starting to get the feeling back in my toes. I'm more worried about the fingers on my left hand. My thumb and index finger are getting better, too, but the other three – I still can't feel anything with them. And frankly, I don't think they will ever be the same."

"Really? Let me see." Gabrielle grabs Xena's left hand, brings it closer to her face. Xena looks at her, then at her own hand, and her heart starts to beat faster as Gabrielle examines the skin, gently running her thumb over Xena's fingers. Her touch is soft and comforting, and it reminds her of the night they first met, reminds her of how Gabrielle used to touch her when she was still recovering at her house. Xena remembers thinking, through the haze of exhaustion and pain, that Gabrielle's touch must have healing powers of some sort; she later dismissed the thought, because it was weird and creepy and just wrong, but suddenly, it doesn't seem far-fetched at all, because that touch is making a warmth spread across her chest, her skin tingling against hers.

"Can you feel this?” Gabrielle asks, stroking Xena's fingers with her own.

”No. Not at all.”

”Alright. I'm going to apply pressure to your fingers, very carefully – how about now? Still nothing?"

"Still nothing. I can bend my fingers, but I can't feel anything. They're completely numb."

Gabrielle lowers her head. ”I'm sorry,” she says. "I should have done something to prevent this from happening."

"Don't be sorry," Xena says. "You did everything you could. I think I'm very lucky to get away with such minor injuries. I mean – I almost froze to death that night, after all."

"I guess so," Gabrielle says.

"It's alright, really," Xena says. "I've been through worse. This is nothing compared to some of the injuries I've had in the past."

"You are very brave," Gabrielle says. Her voice wavers, but she keeps going anyway, determined to finish. "You've been traveling a lot – done many things – you have lived. It may not have always been good, that life, but you have learned from it, and now you're a better person, you're a better version of yourself. And you're very lucky – not everyone has the privilege of experiencing something like that. Some people are stuck, stuck in a life of monotony and conformity, and there's no way out, and never will be."

Gabrielle lowers her gaze, lets go of Xena's hand. She starts to turn away, but Xena stops her by putting a hand on her knee, squeezing gently to get her attention. 

"That's not true," Xena says. "You are still young and have so much ahead of you. The world is full of opportunities – it might not seem like that right now, but things will change, because they always do, whether you want it or not, and then – then everything will be different. I used to think my life was a nightmare, but then many things happened, and I – well, I don't really think like that anymore, not nearly as often as I used to. And when I look at you, I know you will do many great things in your life. I just – I just know it in my heart.”

Gabrielle looks up at her, and Xena is almost taken aback by how big and deep her eyes are, big and deep and filled with an emotion she can't identify – awe, probably, or something akin to affection, maybe even shock. Xena lets out a quiet breath, eyes drifting down Gabrielle's face, lingering on her mouth. A sudden memory pops into her head, a memory of the women of her home village painting their lips red with berry juice, something she always found beautiful and alluring, even as a young girl. She thinks about how that particular color would look on Gabrielle's lips and swallows hard, tearing her eyes off her and turning back to the hearth. 

”You have a beautiful soul,” Gabrielle says. ”Has anybody ever told you that?”

There are so many people in this world who would laugh at that, but Xena's not amused, not at all. ”No,” she says, her voice painfully sincere. ”Never.”

Gabrielle seems saddened by this, but she doesn't say anything, just reaches for her mug and gulps down the rest of her tea. Xena stares at the fire for what seems like an eternity, struggling to keep her breathing soft and even, hot tears burning her eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

The forest is eerily quiet for this time of day; the animals are gone, and even the wind has died down, leaving a fog in its wake, a fog that just doesn't seem to lift. Xena is standing by a small pond near her house, glancing around and letting her thoughts wander. She's waiting for Gabrielle to come back from checking the traps they had set the day before, something she had insisted on doing after her early afternoon archery lesson. She's been practicing on a regular basis for the last three weeks and is getting slightly better every day. It's still too early for Gabrielle to start hunting with a bow, but if she keeps training like this, there is a good chance she will get there soon.

Xena sighs and shifts her weight from one foot to another, trying hard to ignore the feeling of anxiety rising in her chest. Gabrielle should have been here by now, should have been here a long time ago, actually, but there's still no trace of her: no fresh footprints in the snow, not even a faintest waft of her scent in the air, nothing. They had separated after the lesson, Gabrielle heading west and Xena going east to check another set of traps, and agreed to meet at the pond before going home together. It's something they have done many times before, and it has never been a problem until today.

Too restless to stay still, she allows herself to move, pacing back and forth by the pond and listening to the sounds around her. Minutes pass, and much to her dismay, nothing happens. Unable to stand the silence any longer, she turns around and heads off toward the trap, her heart already slamming in her chest.

There is no doubt in her mind now that something bad has happened to Gabrielle. She has no idea what it could be, doesn't know if she's been attacked by a wolf or slipped and hurt herself, but she has a very bad feeling about all of this, and it's making her very, very nervous.

"Gabrielle?" she calls out to the empty forest, desperate to hear a response. "Gabrielle!"

She's running now, her breathing heavy and ragged as she dashes through the woods, pushing branches out of her way as they whip against her face. She's still trying to figure out what could have happened to Gabrielle, and it's all starting to remind her of her own experience of being lost in the woods, a memory she will never forget. The weather is not as harsh as it was back then; the past few days have been pleasantly mild, and the snow has started to melt, the moisture coming down as rain, but that doesn't change the fact that Gabrielle needs to be found as soon as possible. Dark still comes early this far north, the nights long and cold and windy.

She's sick with worry by the time she gets to where the trap is set, and her heart sinks in her chest when she sees it's empty and untouched, just like they had left it the day before. She looks down at the ground, tries to find a set of fresh footprints in the snow, but there are so many of them that it's impossible to tell whether Gabrielle has been there or not, the snow heavy and wet and trampled. It's enough to send her into a full panic, and the next thing she knows is that she's rushing back to the pond, back to the only place where Gabrielle could be, and if she's not there—

She knows she should calm down and come up with a plan on how to proceed, but she can't, can't think straight, can't think about anything but Gabrielle, Gabrielle, Gabrielle. She ends up running around aimlessly, darting wild glances in every direction, screaming her name from the top of her lungs. And when she finally spots a familiar figure in the distance, sees a flash of blonde hair and hears a weak voice call out to her, she lets out a weird sound, something between a sob and a sigh, as a tremendous weight falls off her shoulders, leaving her shaky and breathless and extremely, extremely, extremely relieved.

One, five, ten seconds, and then she's with her, smiling and panting and holding back tears, touching her upper arms and shoulders and cradling her face in both hands, brushing strands of hair away from her eyes. Gabrielle appears to be uninjured, but she looks tired and shaken, her face pale and eyes wide.

"Oh, Gabrielle," Xena says, finally finding her voice. "Gabrielle, it's alright – you're with me now, everything's okay."

"Xena," Gabrielle says, breathing her name like a prayer. She's clutching Xena's arms as if she might disappear if she let go, and it kind of hurts, but Xena doesn't care, doesn't really even notice. "Sorry I didn't make it back in time. I – I got lost in the woods."

"It's alright, Gabrielle." Xena knows she shouldn't be doing this, has told herself countless times not to touch her in a way that could be described as loving, but she can't stop brushing her thumbs over Gabrielle's cheeks, their faces only inches apart. "There's no need to apologize."

"It's embarrassing," Gabrielle says. "I found the trap – it was empty – and headed back to the pond, just like I always do. I was sure I was going in the right direction, but – but I must have strayed off the path at some point."

"Everybody gets lost sometimes," Xena says.

"It was just – it was such a nightmare," Gabrielle says, moaning at the memory. "I walked for miles, convinced that I'd find the pond if I just went a little further, but I never did. I guess I kept walking around in circles. At some point I became disoriented, and I was so exhausted, I thought I might pass out at any moment. I thought – I thought I would never get out of the forest alive."

Xena doesn't say anything, just pulls her close and hugs her, trying to comfort her without words, desperate to keep her warm. Gabrielle buries her face in her neck and clings to her, arms still trembling, just slightly. And Xena doesn't want to let go, wants to just hold her like this for the rest of her life, wants to hold her and protect her from everything that might hurt her, keep her safe from darkness and danger and all the bad things in the world. She knows she can't do it, couldn't even take care of herself when she was at her lowest point, but it's still a powerful thought, one that gives her strength and courage.

"I'm sorry," Gabrielle says, mumbling the words against Xena's shoulder. She pulls away but remains close, her hands on Xena's hips. "I know I shouldn't complain about this. Many people have been through much worse. You have been through much worse."

"Don't apologize, Gabrielle. You were lost in the woods for hours. That would be a terrifying experience for anyone."

"It just doesn't feel right," Gabrielle says, shaking her head. 

Xena touches her cheek with the tips of her fingers. "You feel cold," she says. "Come on, let's go home. We'll get you wrapped up and I'll make you a nice cup of hot tea."

They start off in the direction of Xena's house, too tired to really talk much, just wanting to get to their destination as soon as possible. Xena lets Gabrielle decide the pace and remains close to her as they make their way through the woods, so preoccupied with her thoughts that it takes her a moment to realize that she's holding Gabrielle by the elbow even though Gabrielle appears to be perfectly capable of walking by herself. The relief is still there, but at the same time, she's more than a little overwhelmed by her panicked concern for Gabrielle and her whereabouts, taken aback by how strong her reaction was. She doesn't even remember the last time she acted like this, and her heart skips a beat when she realizes why. She never had anything to lose before. She never had anyone to love.

–

"The two knights fought furiously over the magical flowers. Swords clashed and sparks flew as they circled each other and attacked over and over again, determined to defeat one another. It wasn't until dawn when they stopped to look around, only to find the garden completely destroyed. All the plants had been trampled flat, including the magical flowers. The magic was gone forever, so the knights stopped fighting and rode back to their villages and promised to never let greed take over their lives again." 

"Sounds like those two weren't exactly the brightest in the bunch. I can't believe they destroyed the very thing they were fighting over."

"Xena! It's just a legend, okay? It's not based on real events." 

"Yeah – sorry. So, what's the moral of the story?"

"The moral is that if you're too focused on achieving wealth or power or fame, you might end up losing everything you have. You should try not to be greedy and appreciate what you already have in life."

"Well, that's a nice story, I think."

"Thanks."

Xena smiles at her, and Gabrielle beams back, clearly pleased by the compliment. On top of everything else, she is also an excellent storyteller. She has a vast repertoire of stories ranging from local folklore and myths to made-up ones, and she knows exactly how to tell them in an entertaining and engaging way. 

"It's time for bed," Xena says. "Otherwise we won't be able to get up early." Gabrielle is spending the night at her house for the first time, and it's been great so far, the two of them sitting by the fire and drinking tea and telling stories for hours.

"I think you're right," Gabrielle says. "It's getting late, anyway."

They get up and crawl into their beds, exchanging a few more words before drifting off to sleep. Xena falls asleep with a smile on her face, but at some point during the night, her dreams turn dark and dreadful. 

She's had this nightmare countless times over the past six months. In the dream, she's being chased by an army of ruthless warriors, swords raised to kill her. The forest is dark around her, and she's running as fast as she can, but her legs feel heavy and numb and she's stumbling constantly, the men getting closer and closer every second. She tries to fight, sending out kicks and punches and using her sword to block the attacks, but it's to no avail, because there are hundreds of them, and they're everywhere, jumping out from behind bushes and dropping down from trees. And before long, she falls to the ground and the sword is knocked out of her hand, the man who had defeated her stepping closer as the others form a circle around them, blocking her escape. 

She's exhausted, ready to surrender, but when the man raises his sword to deliver the final blow, something happens. The men disappear, and everything turns white. She's barefoot and weaponless, alone in the vast emptiness of this desert-like world, and the light surrounding her is so bright, so blinding, that she has to lower her head and squeeze her eyes shut. She can't see or hear anything, and it should be a comfort, but it's not, because she can feel it, the presence of something malicious, looming over her like a predatory animal, ready to attack at any moment. She walks faster, her heart slamming in her chest and sweat beading her forehead, but can't shake the feeling of being followed; she's running now, faster and faster, going with her instincts instead of her vision, but it's all in vain, because she feels something wrap around her neck, and then she's being choked, her lungs screaming as she struggles to breathe, desperate for air—

With a strangled gasp, she jolts awake and quickly sits up, panting as she looks around in the room. The flames are still crackling in the hearth, and in the glow of the fire, she can make out the outline of Gabrielle's body under the covers, her face obscured by shadows. The mere sight of her is enough to calm her down, and her lips actually quirk up a little when Gabrielle mumbles something she can't understand, half awake and half asleep at the same time. She's just about to lie down and go back to sleep when Gabrielle stirs and pushes herself up on her elbow.

"Xena?" she says, sounding worried. "Is something wrong?"

"Everything's alright," Xena says; her voice comes out weaker than she had intended. "Just had a nasty dream, that's all."

"Are you sure it's alright? You sound shaken." Gabrielle gets up and comes closer, her socked feet padding over the wooden floor. "And you're covered in sweat."

"I'm fine," Xena says. "Go back to bed, Gabrielle. We need to get up in a few hours."

"I don't care," Gabrielle says. "Come here, Xena. I'll make you some tea. It'll make you feel better."

Xena drags herself out of bed with an aggravated sigh. They huddle together before the fireplace, and Xena stares into the flames as Gabrielle prepares the tea, eyelids heavy and aching. It's only when Gabrielle presses the mug into her hands that Xena notices she's shivering, and not only because of the chill in the room. Grateful to have something hot to drink, she cradles the mug in both hands, letting the warmth seep into her palms.

They sit there quietly, side by side, for what seems like a long time, and Xena takes the opportunity to enjoy her tea and the calm of the night, the silence now comforting instead of menacing. Then, Gabrielle shifts and glances at her, her face unreadable in the flickering golden light.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"The dream," Gabrielle says, her voice low and soft, soothing.

"There's not much to talk about," Xena says. "It's just a stupid nightmare I keep having over and over again."

”About what?”

”About being tracked down and getting killed, followed by a dream of being lost in some kind of empty space. Doesn't sound that bad, but it's very – unpleasant.” 

"You have these dreams often?"

Xena hesitates before speaking. "Yeah. Pretty much every night."

"That's terrible." Gabrielle puts her hand on her knee, squeezing softly. "Is it always this bad?”

She hesitates again. "Uh-huh. I'm used to it, though. Been having these dreams ever since I left my homeland. Six, seven months – maybe even longer."

"That's a long time to suffer through the same nightmare."

"I know."

She gulps down the rest of her tea and puts the mug down on the bench beside her. Gabrielle looks down at her lap, plays with the hem of her shirt. Xena can hear her own pulse pounding in her ears, drowning out all other sounds; the hiss of the fire, the howl of the wind outside, everything. 

"I joined the army when I was thirteen," Xena says. Her voice is weak and hollow, and she hates it, but she can't bring herself to stop, desperate to let it all out. "An army had destroyed my village years before, and I was still bitter about it. I wanted revenge. I wanted them to feel the same fear, the same pain me and my family and the people of my village had felt when we lost everything. Thought violence was the only way to change things."

Gabrielle reaches for her hand, and their fingers intertwine, fitting together like a perfect, perfect puzzle. 

"I learned a lot over the next few years," Xena says. "My heart was burning with hatred, and that hatred helped me to stay motivated, to stay focused. I would practice all day and night, all the time. I was young and less experienced than many others, but I was quickly becoming one of their best fighters."

Gabrielle moves closer, and Xena sucks in a shaky breath when their shoulders bump together. 

"Many things happened during those years," she says. "We went to places I had never even heard of. I was improving really fast, and before I even knew it, I was allowed to fight with the others. I still remember my very first fight, my very first kill. He was a young man, not much older than me. It was a tough fight, but I was ecstatic afterwards. I thought it was an exhilarating feeling, taking someone's life. Can you believe that? I was – I was no older than seventeen at the time.”

Gabrielle doesn't say anything, but she gives her hand a light squeeze, an indication that she's still listening. Xena tightens her grip around Gabrielle's hand, desperate to hold on to something, something that will keep her from slipping back into the past, the weight of the memories nearly crushing her. 

"Our army gained confidence and strength – we were more powerful, more successful than we had ever been before,” Xena says. "I climbed in the ranks, and before I really even realized it, I was – I was the commander of my army unit. It was everything I'd ever wanted, and I was drunk with that power, and thirsty for more blood, more violence."

”I don't really even remember that much about the next few years. We were always on the road, looking for new areas to conquer – always developing strategies, always fighting, always killing people. I can't even remember what was going on in my head at that point. I was like a machine, working day and night to become the most powerful woman in the world. I guess that's why it ultimately became too much for me to handle.”

"I sneaked out of the camp at night, while the others were asleep. Left my sword there, everything – didn't want anything to do with fighting or violence anymore. I headed up north, wanting to get as far away from there as possible. I was hated by a large number of people, I was an outlaw – anybody could kill me if they wanted to. And believe me, they tried.”

”I barely made it out alive. Had people following and spying on me, trying to attack me while I was sleeping or bathing. Everybody I met along the way wanted to kill me. I couldn't trust anybody – not that I had trusted people before, but this time, I didn't have my army with me, I didn't have anybody. It was an unnerving experience. It got better the farther I went, though. People didn't recognize me, some had never even heard my name. The winter came, and I continued my journey, thinking I could handle the harshness of the northern climate. And – well, you know the rest."

A heavy silence fills the room, interrupted only by their breathing and the relentless pounding of Xena's heart. She tries to swallow, but her throat is dry and her tongue feels heavy. She knows she should speak, knows she should say something to defend herself before Gabrielle gets up and leaves, but she can't get the words out, can't even open her mouth. All she can do is imagine what will happen next: Gabrielle rushing out of the house, disgusted by the revelation that her friend is actually a cold-blooded mass murderer, and her own soul-crushing pain when she realizes that she has lost her dearest friend, that she's alone again and will always be, no matter how hard she tries to redeem herself. 

She's so preoccupied with her thoughts that she almost winces when Gabrielle shifts and puts her head on her shoulder in a silent gesture of comfort. Cautious and careful, she presses her cheek against Gabrielle's hair, and Gabrielle responds by squeezing her hand, her skin warm and soft and smooth against her own.

Xena lets out a shuddering exhale and closes her eyes. The tension in her body disappears, leaving her weak but hopeful. She tries to speak again, but can't find the right words, and this time it's not because she's frozen in horror, it's because she doesn't know how to express the gratitude she has for Gabrielle.

"You're here now," Gabrielle says eventually, in a voice that is almost a whisper.

"With you," Xena says.

"With me," Gabrielle repeats. "Those things – they're in the past. You're not that person anymore. You're someone else."

"And I'm never going back," Xena says.

"I know you won't." 

Their eyes meet, and Xena holds her gaze for several long moments before turning away. ”Let's go to sleep,” she says. ”I'm exhausted.”

They get up together and let go of each other before returning to their beds. The wooden bench feels hard against Xena's back, the bed empty and uncomfortable, the blanket barely keeping out the cold. Very briefly, she wonders what it would be like to share a bed with Gabrielle, to feel her body pressed against hers under the covers, warm and safe and solid, to fall asleep breathing in her scent, her hair—

"Xena?"

"Yeah?"

"Wake me up if you can't sleep, okay? Or if you have that nightmare again, or if you just want to talk, or even if you don't. I'm here for you, and I'll help you every way I can."

"Gabrielle, I – thank you."

"No need to thank me. This is what friends do, right?"

”I guess so. Well, just so you know, I appreciate it. I really, really do.”

She rolls over to her side and closes her eyes, but she's too distraught to sleep, the memories of her past keeping her awake. And when she finally does sleep, she sleeps deeply and soundly, without any dreams at all. 

–

She can see Gabrielle from far away, her long blonde hair swaying in the slight breeze as she walks along the road toward the house. Xena stops her work and just looks at her for a moment, the corners of her lips tugged into a small smile. There's a bounce in Gabrielle's step, an indication she's in a good mood. Xena's exhausted after having worked on the farm all day, but suddenly, she's not as tired as she had thought. 

"Hey," Gabrielle says when she's within earshot. "Nice day to be working outside, huh?"

"Yeah, absolutely." The weather has been getting warmer and warmer lately, and even though it's still cold compared to where she used to live, it's sunny enough to go outside without having to bundle up. The snow has mostly melted away, but there's still some here and there, dirty heaps that will soon be gone, too. "How's it going?"

"Everyone's getting ready to plant this year's crop back in the village," Gabrielle says. "My mother has been working on her garden, and me and my sister have been busy helping her out.”

”A lot of work this time of the year, huh?”

”Yeah, but I don't really mind. I really like the whole process of planting seeds and watching them grow. It's like a – like a new beginning, you know? It's strangely exhilarating."

"I've been feeling better lately, too. Amazing how much a little sun can do for you, right?"

"I know. I like every season, though. They all have their own special characteristics, their own special beauty."

"Well, you already know this, but I'm not really a winter person, not at all. Too cold and dark and depressing, and the snow makes everything difficult, especially if you live on the road.”

”I guess I can't blame you for thinking like that,” Gabrielle says. ”Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to go for a walk with me or something."

"Sorry, I can't. I'm kind of in the middle of something right now."

"Oh, yeah – I can see that. What exactly are you doing?"

"Building a fence. Knew it was going to be a lot of work, but this seems to take forever."

"Why are you building a fence? To keep the wildlife out?"

"No, nothing like that. I need to fence in a pasture for my horse."

"You have a horse?" Gabrielle sounds completely taken aback. "Since when?"

"Since yesterday. Mr. Novak gave him to me as a gift. He said he wanted to thank me because I've been hunting for him and his family these past weeks. I tried to decline, but he was very persistent."

"Where is it?" Gabrielle looks around, as if expecting the horse to gallop into the yard at any moment.

"In the barn. I have to keep him there until the fence is complete."

Gabrielle turns around and walks into the barn, disappearing from sight. She emerges a moment later, and Xena has to bite back a smile, because she looks really cute like that, all flustered and confused, searching for the right words to express herself.

"Did you say hello to Argo?" Xena asks.

"I did," Gabrielle says. "He's beautiful."

"I know. Trained for riding, too. There are some things we still need to work on, but I think he'll be a good mount for me."

"Can I help you with the fence? Looks like you could use an extra hand."

"Sure." 

They don't talk much at first, both of them more focused on setting up posts and filling holes. Gabrielle seems oddly pensive, staring off into the distance or down at the ground, and she doesn't speak until they decide to take a break, sitting down on a fallen tree at the edge of the forest.

"I still can't believe you have a horse," she says. "This will make our hunting trips a lot easier. No more mile-long walks from one trap to another. We can scout out new hunting areas, bring home much more food than before."

"Yeah." Xena is silent for a moment, eyes glued to the piece of wood in her hands. "You're right. But that's not exactly what I had in mind when I got him."

"Oh." Gabrielle doesn't seem to understand, and Xena feels compelled to fill the silence with words she doesn't want to say but knows she has to.

"I'm considering leaving the village," Xena says. "Not right now, but in two, three weeks. Certainly within a month."

"What? Why?" Gabrielle is reeling from this information, and Xena is not sure, but she thinks she sees a flash of panic in her eyes, gone before she can really identify it. "I thought you liked it here."

"I do," Xena says. "I just can't stay in one place for too long. You know my story – you know there are people out there who are looking for me, people who want to hurt me. I need to get out of here before someone finds me, and not only because I want to protect myself. I want to protect this village, too, and the people who live here." 

"There's no reason for anyone to come looking for you here," Gabrielle says. "This is a remote, rural village, Xena. The nearest town is three days away. We don't even get visitors that often – once a month, maybe, if even that."

"You underestimate them," Xena says. "I'm hated by dozens, maybe even hundreds of people. That includes army leaders, warlords – people who are experienced in developing elaborate strategies to defeat their enemies. If they want to hunt me down, believe me, they will. And even if they don't, people will still talk about me, spread rumors about me. Everybody knew who I was back home, and when I stepped back, people were practically fighting over the honor of killing me. It's got to be common knowledge by now that I went up north, that I'm hiding in the woods somewhere around here."

"But – you have been here for almost three months, and nothing has happened. If they knew you were here, they would have already attacked you, right?"

”I don't know,” Xena says. ”They might be up to something, or maybe they're still searching for me. One thing's for sure, though – someone's going to find out about me sooner or later. Could be one of the villagers, could be someone else. The point is that I'm not safe here, and frankly, I don't think I'm safe anywhere.”

"I understand," Gabrielle says. "I just—" She trails off and frowns, biting her lip as she looks down at her lap.

Xena reaches over to put her hand on her knee. "I'd like to stay, too, if I could, Gabrielle. I just can't take the risk of settling down and being tracked down, either by one of my enemies or by someone else. I have more enemies than there are people in this village. I'm sure someone's looking for me, and if not, they're at least speculating about my whereabouts. The best way for me to defend myself is to stay on the road and – well, avoid people, I guess.”

Gabrielle's brow furrows, but she doesn't say anything. She appears to be fighting some kind of internal struggle, and Xena waits for her to speak, sees her open her mouth, then close it, then open it again, but the words never come. 

"That's why I need the horse," Xena says finally, her voice quiet. "For traveling."

"Is that how you're going to spend the rest of your life?" Gabrielle asks. "Always on the road – always alone?" There's a sadness in her voice that tears at Xena's heart, and she has to suck in a deep breath to steady herself.

"I might settle in for a few months if I found a place to stay, but yeah – I guess so," Xena says. "I don't mind, though, not really. I have already lived on the road for years, remember?"

Gabrielle doesn't look convinced. She opens her mouth, then closes it, and looks at her in despair.

"Don't worry about it, okay?" Xena says. "I can take care of myself.”

”It's not just that—”

”I know, I know. I'll visit you every now and then, alright? We'll see each other again, Gabrielle. I promise.”

She smiles at Gabrielle, and Gabrielle manages a weak smile in return, one that doesn't reach her eyes. And when she gets up and goes back to work, Xena feels a pang in her heart, leaving an ache she knows will never go away, not completely.


	4. Chapter 4

Xena stops her work, straightens up, and rubs the back of her neck with her hand, wishing she had something to tie her hair up with. It's the first real spring day of the year, warm enough to make her sweat while working outside. She just picked up an axe to chop some wood for a fire, and the sun is already burning her back, her shirt clinging to her skin. Xena doesn't really mind; she has missed this, the sun and the warmth and the light, everything.

"You need help with that?"

She nearly jumps before turning to face Gabrielle, embarrassed and annoyed at herself for being so deep in thought she'd been able to take her by surprise, but all that disappears when she lays her eyes on her. Gabrielle is wearing a simple white dress that falls just above her knees, her legs strong and bare and shapely. She is barefoot, and her hair is down, falling in soft waves around her shoulders, and Xena is gaping at her like an idiot, lips parted and body frozen, aching. 

Their eyes meet, and Gabrielle looks down, twists the hem with her fingers. "Oh, this dress – do you like it? It's something I've been working on for the last few days. I know it's not the most practical outfit, but I just finished it, and it's such a beautiful day, so I thought, why not." She's almost sheepish, suddenly, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, a slight blush coloring her cheeks.

Xena is still searching for words, her breath stuck in her throat. "It's a pretty dress," she says. "You look beautiful."

Gabrielle seems pleased with the response. She comes closer, walking slowly, her steps muffled by the grass. Xena tears her eyes off her and turns back to the task at hand, raising the axe to split another piece of wood.

"I'll carry the logs into the house," Gabrielle says, and before Xena can open her mouth to protest, she scoops up an armful of wood and turns around, walking away.

Xena shakes her head and goes back to work. She thinks about Gabrielle, and her willingness to help others, her determination to make this world a better place. There aren't many people like that, people with so much good in their hearts. Xena certainly wasn't like that, and neither was anybody she knew back home. That's what makes Gabrielle so precious and unique and perfect: her overwhelming kindness and ability for forgiveness, both of which have proven to be more powerful than anything Xena ever had before. Xena wants nothing more than to be just like her, and even though she knows it's a long shot, she's still willing to try.

They work in silence for a few moments, Gabrielle going back and forth between the house and the yard and Xena swinging the axe with strong, even strokes. Once or twice, she opens her mouth when she feels Gabrielle beside her, but no words come out. It's so ironic, she thinks; she used to be so calm, so calculating, always giving commands, always ready for action. Now, she finds herself speechless more often than not, despite having so, so, so much to say. 

She could keep doing this forever, chopping wood until her muscles ache, but she already has enough wood for the night. She puts the axe away in the shed, walking out just in time to see the hem of a white dress disappear around the corner. Xena stays outside in the backyard, unsure whether she should follow Gabrielle or wait for her to come back. She starts toward the front door, and her face eases into a soft smile when she sees Gabrielle walk out of the house, heading toward her.

Xena feels like she's dreaming as they approach each other, meeting in the middle of the yard. Gabrielle reaches out her hands, and Xena takes them and stops, the two of them standing less than a foot apart. Gabrielle's eyes are greener than ever, full of warmth and life, and Xena's smile is wide and genuine as she reaches over to brush dirt off Gabrielle's dress. She has had so many nightmares over the past months, nightmares where the world is cold and empty and blindingly white, but when she looks at Gabrielle and her beautiful white dress, she forgets everything else, forgets all the bad things that happened to her, her fears melting, fading, disappearing. It's been a long and painful process, watching the seasons change and trying to piece her life back together, but now, with the spring approaching and the nature awakening everywhere around them, she feels strong and healed, her heart filled with warmth and love and happiness, all the things she didn't know she could still have or even deserved. 

She runs her fingers up Gabrielle's arms and holds her by the elbows, gently pulling her closer. Gabrielle's hands find Xena's hips, and Xena holds her breath as she watches her eyes flutter shut, closer than she's ever been before, their faces only inches apart. And the next thing she knows is that she's cupping Gabrielle's face with both hands and pressing her lips against hers, and that Gabrielle's responding, opening her mouth and pulling her even closer, arms sliding around Xena's back.

It's a chaste kiss, dry lips meeting in a soft, soft touch, but Xena is breathless when she pulls away, lips tingling and heart slamming in her chest. Gabrielle opens her eyes, and for a moment, they just look at each other, searching for the right words.

”Gabrielle,” Xena says, softly, her name like an endearment on her lips.

”Please don't go,” Gabrielle says. Her voice is starting to tremble, and there are tears in her eyes when she looks up at her again. ”I know I'm selfish for asking this—”

”If you're selfish, then so am I, because I want to spend every day for the rest of my life with you,” Xena says. ”You're the only reason I have stayed here as long as I have, Gabrielle. If it weren't for you, I would have left this place a long time ago.”

Gabrielle exhales and blinks the tears away, her eyes falling shut. Xena presses their foreheads together and just holds her for a moment, breathing in her scent and enjoying the feel of her in her arms. Together, they sway a little, Gabrielle almost stumbling forward and Xena catching her before she falls, and Gabrielle lets out a small sound, something between a sob and a laughter.

”There has never been anyone like you,” she says in a quiet voice, breath ghosting over Xena's lips. ”Nobody has ever made me feel like this.”

”I have never felt like this before, either.” She strokes Gabrielle's cheeks, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. ”Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Things always have a way of working out in the end.”

”I'll try,” Gabrielle says, but she doesn't sound very hopeful. 

”I'm still here,” Xena says. ”There's still time – we'll figure out something before I leave. Just remember that I will never forget you. I'll come back to see you as soon as I can.”

She pulls away and tries to smile, but it falters when she sees how miserable Gabrielle looks, eyes grave and lips curved downward. Xena kisses her again, very softly, pouring all the love she feels into the kiss, hoping it would reassure and comfort her. She might not always be able to describe how much Gabrielle has come to mean to her, but she can show her, like this, kissing and touching and holding her until she understands. Gabrielle's eyes are filled with tears again, but she smiles when they look at each other, and it's a genuine smile, one that makes Xena believe that no matter what happens, they will get through it together, somehow.

–

”Are you sure this is the right way, Gabrielle?”

”Uh-huh. I used to come here all the time when I was a kid. I would walk past that tree over there, the one with twisted roots, and down this hill—”

”Seems to me your memory is not as good as you think. We just walked past that tree about ten minutes ago.”

”Well, I mean, it's kind of difficult to find, because there are no trails leading to it, and the forest here is really dense anyway. I know it's somewhere here, let's just go a little further—”

Xena sighs and shakes her head but doesn't protest. Gabrielle is walking a few steps ahead of her, pushing branches out of her way as she makes her way deeper into the forest. Her bow is slung across her back along with a quiver full of arrows. They had spent the morning hunting in the area when Gabrielle suggested that they take a break and do something else for a while. She wanted to show Xena something – a very special place, she had said, looking at her with hopeful eyes. Of course, Xena couldn't say no.

”Hey, it's right here – I can see it! I told you it would be here, I knew it – come on, Xena, you have to see this!”

Gabrielle reaches back to grab Xena's hand and walks faster, marching through a thicket of bushes and trees. Xena allows herself to be dragged along, dodging the branches that snap back into place behind Gabrielle. She looks down at their intertwined hands, and her lips twitch in a small smile, one she just can't hold back. Gabrielle's hand is warm and soft and slightly calloused, fingers laced firmly through hers.

”Well,” Gabrielle says when they stumble out of the thicket and into a less dense part of the forest. ”What do you think?”

Xena pauses next to her, drawing in a deep breath as she takes in the sight in front of her. There, nestled into a small valley, is a natural spring with the bluest, clearest water she has ever seen in her entire life. Xena has been to many beautiful places in her life, but this one is different, somehow, the water sparkling in the early afternoon sunlight, the forest peaceful and quiet around them save for the chirping of birds somewhere in the distance. The place is like something out of a fairy tale, and if Xena didn't know better, she might think it's protected by some kind of magic, a spell to keep out unwanted visitors. 

”Could be worse,” she says.

Together, they walk down the slope to the water's edge and sit down on the ground, their shoulders pressed together. Tall, majestic oaks tower all around them, budding and blossoming, long and droopy branches almost touching the surface of the spring.

"This is my favorite place in the world," Gabrielle says. "I used to come here when I wanted to be alone. It was my sanctuary, my escape from the reality of life – I don't think the villagers even know a place like this exists."

"Mm."

"It's a shame it's so far away from home. I don't really have time to come here anymore. I'm glad we could make it here today."

"And I'm glad you brought me here. It's a beautiful place."

Gabrielle smiles and leans over to kiss her, her eyes fluttering shut when their lips meet. Xena cups Gabrielle's cheek and allows herself to get lost in the sensation, the corners of her lips tugging up as she feels the familiar warmth spread across her chest, good enough to make her melt against Gabrielle.

They keep kissing and kissing until they're both out of breath, panting softly against each other's lips. Xena bumps their noses together, and the corners of her mouth twitch at the small chuckle that leaves Gabrielle's lips. It's a wonderful sound, soft and throaty and low, and Xena is swooning like a thirteen-year-old, shifting and leaning in to kiss her again and again, pressing their foreheads together before Gabrielle pulls away and sits up straighter. 

Gabrielle takes a hold of Xena's left hand and brings it to her lips. Xena feels a lump rise in her throat as Gabrielle kisses the back of her hand, warm breath fluttering against her skin. It's such a tender gesture, so soft and intimate that it feels almost sacred, and Xena is dizzy again, trying not to get too emotional as she stares at Gabrielle's lips. This is how Gabrielle always makes her feel, no matter where they are or what she does: weak with love, but also strengthened by the power of it, invigorated by her presence.

”Your fingers,” Gabrielle says. There's a sudden sadness in her voice that wrenches at Xena's heart, and she swallows hard, struggling to maintain her composure. ”Are they any better now?”

”No,” Xena says. ”They're still numb, have been for months. I don't think there's anything that could be done to get the feeling back in my fingers. Guess I just have to learn to live with it.”

Gabrielle looks so miserable that Xena almost wishes she could take the words back. She turns Xena's hand around, her thumb brushing against her palm in a way that sends shivers down Xena's back, and kisses each of her fingertips, letting her lips linger before moving on. Xena can't feel the touch, but her heart is burning with deep love, fire running through her veins and warming her from the inside out.

She moves her fingers under Gabrielle's chin and lifts her face, leaning forward to brush her lips against hers. Gabrielle lets out a soft sigh, melting against her touch, and it's perfect, the soft press of her body against hers, the sweet smell of her skin, everything. Xena slides her hand into Gabrielle's hair, and then they're kissing again, deeply and thoroughly and gently, tongues touching and breaths mingling in the space between them.

It's so funny, she thinks, how hungry they are for this: the closeness, the intimacy, the comfort, everything. With the dread of Xena's departure looming over them, it's so much easier to focus on kissing and touching instead of talking. Xena knows they can't avoid the issue for much longer, but she'd still rather have this, the feel of Gabrielle's lips against hers, warm and solid and real. 

Gabrielle sighs again, and she curls her fingers around Xena's arm when their lips separate. "I never knew kissing could be like this," she says, her voice low and dreamy. "I can't believe I went all my life without this. Not just without this – without you."

"Better late than never, right?" Xena says, smiling. "I've been thinking about the same thing for a while now. My life would have been completely different if we had met when we were younger."

"I was never really content with my life," Gabrielle says. "I mean, it wasn't like something was wrong, but I always felt like something was – missing. And now I'm starting to think that I was just waiting for you to come into my life. I didn't know you back then, didn't know you even existed, but I was still yours – I was always yours."

"And I was yours," Xena says, lacing her fingers with hers. "I was going through a really tough time in my life when we met. I was ready to die at that point, but you – you changed everything. Now I feel better than ever in my life, and it's all because of you."

"I don't think it's all because of me," Gabrielle says. "What you told me about your past – I don't think that was really you. That was someone else, a stranger to both of us. But you said you got fed up with that life and left, right? You made the right decision all by yourself. You knew what you had done wasn't right and wanted to change the direction of your life, and that's exactly what you did. And I think that says a lot about you as a person.”

"Guess you're right," Xena says. "But one thing's for sure, and it's that I wouldn't be the same person I am now without you. I think that's why I kept finding excuses to stay. I just – I just want to be where you are."

"You'll come back one day, right?" Gabrielle asks. "I'll be waiting for you. I don't know how my life is going to be without you, but no matter what happens, I will always love you."

"And I will always love you, Gabrielle. Nothing's going to change that."

Gabrielle shifts and leans against Xena's side, resting her head on her shoulder. Xena wraps her arm around her and holds her close, cheek pressed against her hair. They stay like that for a long time, enveloped by the silence of the forest, staring at the mirror-like surface as if waiting for an answer, a solution to all of this.

–

It's so weird, she thinks, how you can feel so on top of the world one moment and completely crushed the next. She lies awake in her bed late at night, stomach coiling in knots as she listens to the silence around her, interrupted only by the crackling of the fire in the hearth. She's more restless than usual, tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable on the hard wooden bench, but nothing seems to work, her heart pounding in her chest no matter how hard she tries to relax. 

Something bad is about to happen. She doesn't know what, doesn't know when, but she can feel it coming, just like she could always tell when someone was following or spying on her, ready to attack at any moment. It's just a hunch, a warrior's instinct, but if her previous experiences are any indication, she'd better get ready for action.

She ends up dozing off but wakes up at some point during the night, a thin sheen of sweat covering her skin. She blinks and rolls onto her back, staring at the ceiling with bleary eyes. She must not have slept long; the room is still dark, the night still quiet around her. Briefly, she considers getting up and going outside to get some fresh air, but something keeps her from acting on this impulse. She lets out an aggravated sigh and closes her eyes, trying to go back to sleep.

There's a noise from outside, like someone stepping on a branch, and her eyes snap open in surprise, her heart skipping a beat. The noise is faint, barely audible despite the stillness of the night, but it's enough to catch her attention, her senses now at a heightened level. And a split second later, several things all happen at once.

The door is kicked open so forcefully that it comes off its hinges and a group of men barge in, their swords out and ready. The windows fly open, the shutters banging against the wall, and even more men climb in, armed with knives and daggers. Part of the roof collapses with a loud rumble, and three, four bulky figures drop into the room. It's just like in her recurring nightmares, except this time, she's not in the woods, she's trapped inside a house with no escape, no way out. There are fifteen, twenty men in total, and they're all coming toward her, eyes gleaming and mouths twisted into devilish grins.

Xena is out of bed in less than a second, and suddenly, she's back into doing what she does best, no matter how hard she tries to deny it: fighting. She hasn't done this in months, but it all comes back to her at once, and the next thing she knows is that she's lunging for the men at the door, adrenaline rushing through her veins and fueling her actions. Dodging the first blow with ease, she grabs a frying pan and a kettle from the hearth, and then she's already blocking more attacks and hitting her opponents in the head with her weapons, watching them fall on the floor before spinning around to face more enemies.

It turns out she made an excellent choice in weapons, but there are so many men coming at her at the same time that she needs something more effective. She turns around and kicks another guy in the stomach before picking up a piece of wood and sticking one end of it in the hearth. She swings the torch toward the men, who back away in surprise, but one of them is close enough to knock it out of her hand. They all watch in horror as the torch falls to the floor and the fire begins to spread, the flames creeping closer to them like a rising tide.

”Kill her and get out of here before it's too late!” someone shouts, and then the fight is on again.

The fire spreads faster than she had thought; one of the walls is already burning, the flames climbing up toward the ceiling. She backs off toward the door, kicking and striking anyone who tries to block her escape, the only way out. One of them drops his sword as he collapses on the floor, and Xena is quick enough to grab it before someone else does. She feels immediately invigorated, stronger and more confident and practically invincible, and it's a relief but also a slight shock. She's been trying so hard to avoid violence, and it's been good for her, the best decision of her life, but she also doesn't want to die, doesn't want to give up now. For the first time in her life, she has something worth fighting for.

She's fighting three people at the same time now, kicking and striking anyone who tries to intervene or attack her from behind. Her main opponent is a short round-faced boy who can't be much older than Gabrielle, nineteen or twenty years old. He's incredibly good for his age, wielding his sword with skill and ease and blocking her attacks like they are nothing. He smiles throughout the whole fight, clearly enjoying this, and if Xena hadn't been through what she's been through, she might almost find it impressive.

”This is an honor,” he says, breathless but confident, his voice almost drowned out by the sound of their swords clashing and the fire roaring around them. ”I would have never believed that one day I would meet the mighty Xena, the one whose name people are afraid to say. I don't even care if you kill me or not – I'm not afraid of dying in battle.”

”Don't flatter yourself,” she says, elbowing another man in the face and knocking him out. ”I'm not going to kill you, but that doesn't mean you're going to get out of here alive. It's getting a little hot in here, don't you think?”

”People say you left your old life behind,” he says, shouting now. ”Why did you throw it all away? I used to respect you, you know.”

”You wouldn't understand,” she says. ”But I hope that one day, you will.”

She has him trapped in a corner now, the two of them dangerously close to the flames. The boy's forehead is glistening with sweat, but he doesn't seem to be giving up, not even when he takes a step backwards and stumbles just slightly, almost losing his balance. Xena takes the opportunity to knock the sword out of his hand, and he makes a dash for it, but she blocks the way with her sword, pressing the blade against his chest and forcing him down to his knees. 

”All done,” she says, her voice cold and even, even though her lungs are screaming for air, her body aching from the fight.

”That's all you're going to say?” the boy asks, panting hard. ”Don't you at least want to know who sent me? Don't you want revenge?”

She looks at him with such contempt that his smile actually falters. ”No,” she says, almost hissing this. ”I couldn't care less.” And she thrusts the sword into his chest, not enough to kill but deep enough to draw blood, the boy groaning in pain as he slumps to the floor. 

For a moment, she thinks it's over, but the men keep coming at her, so she turns around and fights even harder, sending out kicks and swinging her sword while covering her face with her other hand, trying to keep from breathing in the smoke. Her last opponent falls on his knees in front of her, coughing hard, and the way to the door is clear; she lunges toward it and rushes out seconds before part of the roof comes crashing down, trapping the men inside the house. There are more men waiting for her outside, and she pushes them out of the way as she runs toward the barn. She can feel the heat of the fire against her back, and if she weren't in such a hurry to get out of here, she would take a moment to lament the loss of the house, the place she had started to think of as – home.

She's dirty and disheveled and out of breath by the time she gets to Argo, body covered with cuts and wounds and clothes stained with blood, but there's no time to rest, no time to stop. Argo is frightened by the noise but stays still while Xena bridles him, his ears swiveling in every direction. She has less than fifteen seconds to get ready, and it's just enough, because she's mounting the horse when a group of men enter the barn, standing in front of the door and blocking her exit. One of the men steps forward, but she's faster than him, squeezing her legs against the horse's sides, and the horse lunges forward, the men jumping out of the way as she rides out of the barn. 

Once outside, she heads straight into the forest, urging her horse to go faster and faster, her sword in one hand and the reins in the other. They race through the trees, choosing the direction by instinct, dodging boulders and branches and tree roots, everything that could slow them down. The forest is dark and eerily silent compared to the chaos behind her, not even the slightest wind stirring the leaves. Xena looks around for signs of anything unusual, but there are no people hiding in the bushes or trees, no hidden traps on the ground. She's almost surprised there's nobody waiting for her in the forest, which would have been a perfect place for a surprise attack. 

There is only one thought in her mind as she makes her way through the forest: she waited for too long, she waited for too long. She should have left earlier, before anyone could track her down and come up with such an elaborate plan to kill her. She thinks about the villagers and how the army might pump them for information about her and her plans, threatening and blackmailing them until they get what they want. The troops will probably leave them alone once they realize how clueless the villagers are, but it still hurts to think about it, the fact that innocent people might suffer because of her own actions. 

There's shouting somewhere behind her, followed by the sound of hooves pounding on the ground. The troops are several hundred yards away, probably wondering where she is. She's safe for now, but she knows it won't take long before they figure out which way she went. Those men who attacked her – they're experts at tracking down people, and they're probably already split into smaller groups, searching the forest for her.

Xena is so engrossed with her thoughts that at first she doesn't even notice the figure rushing toward her through the darkness. Her eyes widen when she recognizes her, and she pulls the reins, the horse skidding to a stop right in front of her. For a moment, she just stares at her, stunned and speechless, struggling to get the words out of her mouth.

”Gabrielle,” she says. ”How did you – why—”

”I woke up to the sound of horses' hooves pounding against the ground,” Gabrielle says. She's clutching her side and panting hard, eyes wild and hair a mess. ”I knew right away that they were coming after you, and I just – I couldn't stay home and do nothing, so I sneaked out, and – and – I was thinking, what would Xena do, and I figured, she's in the forest, so—”

”You shouldn't have done that,” Xena says. ”This is an extremely dangerous situation, Gabrielle. I barely made it out of there alive.”

”I know,” Gabrielle says. "I don't really care. I just – I just needed to see you." 

”Listen to me, Gabrielle,” Xena says. She can hear the troops behind her; they're coming straight at her, getting closer with every second. ”I need to get out of here right now. I'd like to stay, but that's obviously not an option anymore. I'm – I'm sorry it had to end this way.”

”Don't be sorry,” Gabrielle says. ”This is not your fault.”

”You can't stay out here in the woods,” Xena says. ”You have to run before they find us. I'll distract them, lead them out of the village. I don't think they'll come back here once they've left – it's me who they want, after all." 

”No,” Gabrielle says. ”I don't want you to have to go through this alone.”

”Gabrielle—”

”I really mean it, Xena.”

Xena looks over her shoulder; she can see them now, the horses and the men and the blades of their swords, gleaming menacingly in the moonlight. She turns back to Gabrielle and opens her mouth, but the words get stuck in her throat when she sees the expression on her face. Gabrielle's eyes are filled with determination, and when she speaks, her voice is calm and steady and strong, loud and clear over the sound of thundering hooves and the shouts of the men.

”Take me with you,” Gabrielle says.


	5. Chapter 5

They travel all night and all day, riding through forests and fields and across streams and creeks, only resting long enough to give Argo water and food. Xena stays away from roads and human settlements, not wanting anyone to see or hear them. She's more careful than ever, listening to the sounds of the forest and keeping an eye open for anything unusual, but it's not enough, because at some point during the day, they get attacked by a group of warriors she recognizes from the night before. She expects Gabrielle to be tense and anxious, but there's not a flicker of emotion on Gabrielle's face as she hands her the sword and turns the horse away from the battle. Xena fights with a fury she didn't know she still possessed, screaming as she swings her sword, adrenaline rushing through her veins and pounding in her ears. She avoids Gabrielle's eyes in the aftermath, fearing her reaction, but Gabrielle doesn't say anything, just takes the sword back from her, lips pursed together as she wipes the blood off the blade. Xena swings herself back up onto Argo and rides off without looking back, and her shoulders slump in relief when she feels Gabrielle's arms wrap around her waist, holding on tight. It's so funny, she thinks; the last time she was on the road, she had nothing, absolutely nothing, just a searing pain in her chest, a feeling of overwhelming guilt. Now she has more than she ever had before, the most precious gift in the world.

It's already dark when they start looking for a place to make camp. They haven't seen another human for hours, and Xena is fairly sure they have managed to get rid of the men chasing them. She plans on finding a safe place to stay and getting a few hours of sleep before continuing the journey. Gabrielle has been resting her cheek against Xena's back for some time now, something Xena would enjoy if she wasn't so preoccupied with their surroundings.

"Looks like we're going to sleep under the stars tonight," she says as she steers Argo deeper into the woods, leaning down over the horse's neck to avoid a low branch. High above, clouds are starting to gather, the smell of rain heavy in the air. "I was hoping to find a cave, some kind of shelter, but it seems we're out of luck.”

"Under the stars is fine," Gabrielle says, mumbling. "I don't really care where we spend the night. I just – I just want to lie down and sleep for a while."

Xena's face softens. "I know," she says. "Let's go a little further, okay? We might find something along the way."

"Okay."

"You want something to eat? I could catch a rabbit for us, or—"

"I can hunt too, Xena—"

"Not now, Gabrielle. We're both exhausted, barely able to keep our eyes open. I'm going to take care of dinner tonight."

"Food can wait. Sleep is more important."

They fall silent again, not in the mood for talking. They don't get too far before it starts to rain, quietly at first, the sound of the rain hitting the leaves of the trees soothing and comforting, a perfect lullaby after a long, long day. Xena presses her legs against the horse's sides, urging him to go faster. By the time she spots a large boulder at the edge of the trail, partially hidden by trees, it's already pouring hard, the rain coming down in torrents, pounding the ground with such ferocity that it's hard to hear anything else above it.

Xena jumps down from the horse and walks over to the boulder, careful not to slip on the muddy path. Gabrielle sits hunched on Argo's back, head drooping and hands clasped around the reins, and when Xena turns around to help her down, she practically tumbles into her arms, limp and languid. Xena keeps one arm around her as she ties the horse to a tree, hugging her to her chest, not wanting to let go even though it makes the task more difficult. Together, they sit down on the ground with their backs to the boulder and just stare into the forest for a moment, breathing in and out, in and out, in and out.

Xena closes her eyes and rests the back of her head against the boulder, letting the rain stream down her face and the exhaustion of the day's events overtake her. She's been so concerned with keeping Gabrielle safe and the troops at bay that she is only now starting to realize just how tired she is, her body aching and hurting all over, limbs trembling from exertion. She's not severely injured, but she knows her wounds need to be cleaned before they get infected. Tomorrow, she thinks, drawing in a deep breath. She'll take care of everything tomorrow.

She cracks open her eyes and glances at Gabrielle out of the corner of her eye. Gabrielle is sitting with her knees tucked under her chin and arms wrapped around her legs, eyes vacant as she stares off into the distance. Xena swallows hard and looks down at her lap. She thinks about Gabrielle's parents, their cozy little farmhouse, and pictures the family room in her mind, a fire blazing in the hearth as rain patters against the shutters outside. The family is probably getting ready for bed right now, still shaken by the sudden disappearance of their eldest daughter. Xena imagines what it would be like if Gabrielle was still there with them, how she would sit in front of the fire after dinner, dry and warm and happy, entertaining the rest of the family with her stories, giving her sister a good night kiss before climbing into bed—

The pain from her wounds is nothing compared to the pain in her heart. She wraps her arms around Gabrielle and hugs her against her chest, wanting to protect her from the rain, too, and her heart breaks when she realizes she can't even do that, because Gabrielle's hair is already soaking wet, her clothes drenched and clinging. Disgusted by herself, Xena lets go of her and pulls away.

She feels Gabrielle's eyes on her and looks away, staring out into the forest.

”What's the matter?” Gabrielle asks, her voice soft.

Xena turns to her, but she's still not looking directly into her eyes. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you deserve." 

Gabrielle's brow furrows. "Are you still talking about hunting? I don't—"

"It's not just that," Xena says. "It's this – this whole situation."

"Xena—"

"I shouldn't have let you come with me," Xena says. "This is not going to be an easy journey – not for me, and certainly not for you. I'm back to traveling and hiding and fighting, living a lifestyle that is physically and emotionally draining. You'd be so much better off with your family, but I took all that away from you, and now you're stuck with me, stuck in a nightmare that just won't end.”

”Xena, I—”

”I'd give anything to be able to take you back home, but – but it's too late now, it's too late. The people who want to kill me – they saw you with me, they know you're with me, and now they're looking for you, too.”

She looks down at the ground, so overwhelmed by her guilt and selfishness that she's not sure if she can ever look at Gabrielle in the eye again. Xena can feel Gabrielle watching her, her gaze like a heavy weight across her shoulders, but there is no malice in it, no bitterness, no accusations.

"I wasn't really happy with my life," Gabrielle says, and her voice is soft again, soft and calm and soothing. "It was always so – empty, so meaningless. I never felt like I belonged there, with those people. And when you came into my life, I just – I just knew I was meant to be with you. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but if there was anything I had learned up to that point, it was that life in the village was never going to be easy, either. And I'd much rather spend my life with you, no matter the risks."

"Your parents must be sick with worry," Xena says. "Not knowing where their daughter is, not knowing whether she will come back—"

"I left a note," Gabrielle says. "I'm sure my parents know by now. They might not approve of it, but it doesn't really matter at this point. It's not like I'm going back anytime soon, right?" 

"Don't you miss them?"

"I do, but I would be worried sick if I didn't know where you were." 

"This is not right," Xena says. "I hate to see you like this, exhausted and drenched and starved, and I can't stop beating myself over it. I hate myself so much for doing this to you, for treating you this way, for making you suffer. This is – this is not the life you deserve."

She turns away from her again, angry and hurt, but Gabrielle puts her hand on her knee to get her attention. 

"Today was tough," Gabrielle says. "I'm not going to deny that. I am exhausted and drenched and starved – you're right about that. But it's not going to be like this forever, right? There will be bad days, days like this, days worse than this, but there will be good days, too. Days when it's warm and sunny and all is well. Because – because that's how life is. A mixture of good and bad."

Xena stares at Gabrielle's hand for a long moment, pondering the truth of this statement. Then, she sits up straighter and looks away again, but this time, she smiles, just a little, unable to help herself. ”I don't know how you do that.”

”Do what?”

”Be so optimistic all the time.” 

”Well, that's the way it is,” Gabrielle says. ”Nothing lasts forever.”

Xena glances at her, still smiling. ”You know what? I wish I was like you.”

”And I wish I was like you,” Gabrielle says. Xena shakes her head, but she's not in the mood for this conversation, not now. She wraps an arm around Gabrielle's shoulders and pulls her close, pressing her cheek against her hair. And they stay that way for the next few hours, sleeping in fitful intervals, floating in the haze between dream and reality.

Morning dawns cloudy and grey, the air still moist with last night's rain. Xena gets up as soon as it is light, groaning at how stiff and sore she is, her legs numb and back aching, clothes still damp and cold. Gabrielle sits on the ground and watches as Xena gets Argo ready for the day, blinking heavily. There are bags under her eyes, and her hair is tangled, hanging in limp strands around her face.

"Come on, Gabrielle," Xena says. "Let's get going. It's time for breakfast."

Gabrielle stumbles onto her feet, still a little groggy. ”What are we going to eat?”

"There is a small lake nearby," Xena says. "We rode past it last night. We could go fishing there."

”Are we in a hurry to get out of here?” 

”Not really. We can take it easy for a while. Eat and take a bath, get refreshed. I think we deserve it.”

”Good.” Gabrielle looks relieved. ”Well, let's not waste any time. I'm starving, and I know you are, too.”

The lake is calm and mirror-like, situated in the middle of a dense forest. They get off the horse and leave him to graze near the edge of the lake. Together, they walk over to the water's edge, the sand hard under their feet, muffling the sound of their footsteps. 

"How are we supposed to do this?" Gabrielle asks. "We don't even have a fishing rod."

"Who said you need a fishing rod for fishing?" Xena shucks off her boots and wades into the water. "All I need is my hands."

Gabrielle remains on the shore, brow furrowed in disbelief. "You're crazy," she says. "There's no way you can catch fish with your bare hands."

"Sure you can," Xena says. "You just have to be really quick, that's all."

She keeps going until the water is up to her waist and stops, spreading her legs and leaning over the surface. 

"You look ridiculous," Gabrielle says.

"Yeah?" Xena is already glancing around, trying to spot fish under the water. ”You won't be saying that when you're eating your breakfast.”

She waits for a few short moments, standing frozen in the water, eyes searching for any movement under the surface. And then, in a split second, she plunges her hands into the water and scoops a fish into the air, throwing it onto the shore with a triumphant shout. The fish lands neatly on Gabrielle's feet, flopping helplessly on the sand. Gabrielle looks down at it and then up at Xena, her eyes wide with wonder.

”You need to teach me how to do that,” she says. 

”Not now,” Xena says, smiling as she looks down into the water. ”Later.”

She catches a few more fish before wading back to the shore, shivering but content. They cook the fish over a fire at the edge of the forest, huddling close to the flames and keeping an eye on Argo. Xena is so hungry her stomach hurts, and by the time the food is ready, she feels like she's about to pass out from hunger, her body weak and trembling.

"Is it good?" Xena asks, watching Gabrielle devour her breakfast. Xena is eating more slowly, still not letting her guard down. It's hard to believe anything bad could happen to them in such a peaceful setting, but that's the thing about ruthless warriors: they will attack when you least expect it, not afraid of turning a beautiful early summer morning into a gruesome bloodbath.

"Delicious," Gabrielle says.

"You want more?"

"No, thanks."

"So," Xena says when they're done with breakfast. "I've been thinking."

Gabrielle looks up from the fire. ”Yeah?”

"We need to figure out what we're going to do next," Xena says. "I had made plans before leaving the village, but there's two of us now, and I want us to agree on where we are going and how we will get there."

”You know I have absolutely no plans for the future,” Gabrielle says. ”All I know is that I'll go wherever you'll go. What did you have in mind?”

"I'd like to go west," Xena says. "There are big cities there, cities with tens of thousands of people. And there is a certain comfort in the anonymity of a big city. People are too busy to notice each other. Everybody has their own problems, their own struggles. If we went far enough, no one would recognize us." 

"That's not a bad idea," Gabrielle says. "Have you been in the area before?"

"I have, so I know what to expect. There are many places I have never been to, of course, but yeah – I'm familiar with the area.”

”Is there a certain place you want to go? A certain city?”

”Well, yeah. I have never been there, but I have heard people talk about it. It's one of the biggest cities in the area, a really busy place. I'd like to go there, if that's okay with you.”

”Sure. I'm okay with anything, really.”

”We can still think about it, of course. It will take months to get there. We can always change plans if you want to.”

”I don't think that's going to happen.” Gabrielle is smiling now, visibly excited, no sign of exhaustion on her face. ”Do you want to take that bath now?”

–

”You see that star over there? The bright one, right above our heads? That's Vega, right?”

”Yeah. There's another one low in the sky – you see that one, between the trees? You know the name of that one?”

”Um – I don't think I remember.”

”Well, that's Altair. You ever heard of that name?”

”I have. I used to look at the stars with my dad. He taught me the names of the stars. It's pretty, isn't it? Such a bright one.”

”Yeah. It is.”

Gabrielle turns her head and just looks at Xena for a moment. Out of the corner of her eye, Xena can see that she's smiling, face soft and eyes shining in the moonlight that filters through the treetops. She meets Gabrielle's gaze and smiles back at her, tired but content. Lacing their fingers together, she squeezes Gabrielle's hand, and Gabrielle squeezes back, holding on to her like she'd never let go. 

They look back into the sky, admiring the stars that light up the night. Six days on the road, and this is the first time the sky is completely clear, no clouds anywhere to be seen. The weather is perfect for stargazing at the lake, where they have decided to spend the night. Xena feels more relaxed than she has been in a long time, but at the same time, she knows how easy it is to slip back into darkness, especially in silent moments like this. She still hasn't managed to shake off the feelings of guilt and regret, the pain of hurting the person she loves most in this world. She knows Gabrielle doesn't see it that way, but she can't stop thinking about it, the dangers they will inevitably face, the darkness, the pain, everything.

Gabrielle lets go of Xena's hand and rolls over to her side, propping herself up on her elbow so she can look down at Xena. She's smiling that smile that makes Xena's heart melt, melt until she feels boneless and lightheaded, warm with love and anticipation. Gabrielle's eyes flutter down to her lips, and the next thing Xena knows, she's leaning down over her and kissing her, her hair falling down around their faces like a protective curtain. 

”You know what I want to do?” Gabrielle says when she pulls back. ”Go for a midnight swim.”

”Right now?” Xena is still a little out of it, her eyes lingering on Gabrielle's mouth. ”Well, make it quick, okay? I'll keep guard while you bathe.”

”You're going to stay here?” Gabrielle looks disappointed. ”I was hoping you'd join me.”

”I'd rather go to sleep,” Xena says. ”It's been a long day, and we need to get up early tomorrow. Can't you wait until morning?”

”No,” Gabrielle says. ”The last few days have been rough. I want to have fun.”

”Go ahead,” Xena says. ”I'll wait for you right here.”

”Xena.” Gabrielle's eyes are pleading now, her face grave, the smile no longer playing on her lips. Xena swallows and looks away. Sometimes, she has the strangest feeling that Gabrielle can see right into her soul. This moment is no different.

”Fine,” Gabrielle says. ”If you don't want to come with me, I guess I'll go by myself.”

Gabrielle gets up and starts walking towards the lake. Xena rolls over to her side, watching Gabrielle peel off her skirt and panties and pull off her top, completely naked by the time she gets to the water. Xena lets her gaze slide down her body and wonders how someone can be so beautiful inside out. Just when she thought she couldn't fall deeper in love with her, she does. Years from now, and she will still be falling in love with her, amazed by all the little things she does. She will never get enough. 

Gabrielle wades further into the lake, the slosh of the water the only sound in the silence of the night. In the moonlight, illuminated by the glow, she looks almost ethereal, blonde hair shimmering like the finest silk, the skin of her shoulders and back pale and smooth. Xena lets out a breath she didn't know she had been holding and sits up, eyes never leaving Gabrielle's body.

Gabrielle stops when the water is up to her waist and turns to look at her once more. No words, no sound; just one look, soft and serene. Xena stumbles onto her feet, kicks off her boots and walks over to the shore, a small smile curling her lips as she dips her toes into the water. 

–

”Gabrielle? Gabrielle, wake up. We're almost there.”

”Mm – what?” The weight on her back disappears, and she feels Gabrielle sit up straight behind her, arms still wrapped around her waist. ”Already?”

”Yeah. Keep your eyes open. We're not alone in this forest. Not anymore.”

Xena looks back to the trail ahead, blinking tiredly. They have been on horseback since dawn, determined to get to their destination before the day ends. The sun is high in the sky now, but she still can't believe they're finally here, after weeks and weeks and weeks of endless traveling. Xena will not be able to fully comprehend it until they're inside the city walls, the buildings and the people a tangible reality and not just a distant dream.

She lets her shoulders fall and breathes in a deep lungful of crisp air. She takes a moment to appreciate all of this; the sound of fallen leaves crunching under the horse's hooves and the golden light of the afternoon sun warming her face, soothing and exhilarating at once. She is not necessarily worried about the prospect of having to start a new life in a new place, because really, she has done this before, but she knows she will miss this, the months spent on the road together with Gabrielle and the freedom it brought them. Once they managed to get rid of her enemies for good, there were more good days than bad ones, and at times it really felt like they were the only people on this planet, the forest sheltering them from the outside world. They spent nights in villages, too, doing odd jobs and earning money, but for the most part, it was just the two of them and nobody else. 

”Are you still sure about this, Xena?” Gabrielle asks as they approach the outskirts of the city. ”Is this what you want?”

”Yes. Are you?”

”Of course.” There is no hesitation in Gabrielle's voice, no uncertainty. ”I'm fine with whatever you decide.”

”We don't have to stay if we don't like the place, of course,” Xena says. ”There are always other options.”

”It's not like we're going to settle down here, anyway,” Gabrielle says. ”It's just for the winter. Right?”

”Right,” Xena says, her voice soft. ”Just for the winter. That's how it will be from now on. Traveling during the summer and settling down for the winter. You okay with that, too?”

”Yes.” Gabrielle pulls some of Xena's hair over her shoulder, stroking the ends of her hair. Xena loves it so much, that feather-light touch, a reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved. ”Where you go, I go.”

The trees are getting scarce, giving way to fields and farms, the city still far in the distance. At the edge of the forest, still mostly out of sight, Xena stops the horse to pull the hood of the cloak over her head, tucking her hair inside. Gabrielle doesn't say anything, but Xena can feel her eyes on her back, watching her every move.

”Just in case,” Xena says, and then there's the comforting warmth of Gabrielle's body again, gentle arms pulling her back into a tight embrace, forehead resting against her shoulder.

They make it into the city without issue, even though the guard at the gate gives them a suspicious look as they enter, his eyes lingering on Xena's hooded head. Xena meets his gaze with a cool stare of her own, and she waits until they're a fair distance away from the gate before allowing her shoulders to slump. She keeps telling herself there is no way these people could recognize her, but she's still paranoid about it, the idea that an enemy might be lurking in the shadows of the city, watching their every move. 

They've been avoiding people for so long that she's almost taken aback by the bustle of activity within the city walls. She had already forgotten how loud and crowded a city can be, especially at this time of the day, men returning home from work and women shopping for food with their friends. Trying hard not to attract too much attention to herself and Gabrielle, she guides her horse through the streets of the town, heading to nowhere in particular. Gabrielle is unusually quiet behind her, arms still clasped around Xena's waist.

”So,” Xena says, leaning back and turning her head to talk to her. ”First impressions?”

”I don't know where to look,” Gabrielle says. ”I have never seen so many people at once in my whole life. And the buildings – some of them are so massive. I feel like I'm in a land of giants.”

”It can be overwhelming at first, but you'll get used to it,” Xena says. ”Come on, let's find an inn and see if we can get some food and a room for the night.”

They find a decent inn in a quiet part of town, away from the noise and the lights and the crowds. Their room is in third floor; Gabrielle says she has never been so high above the ground before. She retires to their room after dinner, too tired to explore the city. Xena joins her a little later, pushing the door open as quietly as she can and slipping inside. She expects to find Gabrielle asleep in bed, which is probably why she's so surprised to see her awake and dressed, standing at the window and looking out into the night. 

”Argo's okay,” Xena says, walking over to the bed. ”I settled him for the night.”

”Good,” Gabrielle says, not turning away from the window. ”He deserves his rest. He has done so much for us.”

”I know.” Xena kicks off her boots and takes off her cloak. She pauses and just looks at Gabrielle for a moment, the cloak still in her hands. It's not that late, but it's already almost completely dark, the sun long gone, the moon rising higher in the sky. ”Still overwhelmed, huh?”

”Yeah,” Gabrielle says. ”There is a lot to think about. I need time to digest everything.”

”Mm.”

”The view is unlike anything I have ever seen before. I don't understand how they managed to cram so many buildings into such a small space. And the fact that there are so many people everywhere, so many horses and restaurants and stores and food stalls – I just can't wrap my mind around it.”

Xena's face softens. She drapes the cloak over a chair and keeps an eye on Gabrielle as she moves around the room, getting ready for bed. Xena expects her to keep talking, but Gabrielle is silent as she stares out the window, her hair stirring in the slight evening breeze that drifts into the room. 

”Everything alright?” Xena asks, her voice a little quieter now. 

”Yeah.” Gabrielle still doesn't look at her. ”I'm just – it's been a long day.”

Xena hums in agreement and walks over to the bed, slipping under the covers. She doesn't remember the last time she slept in an actual bed, and she takes a moment to appreciate the experience: the mattress soft under her weight and the sheets clean and cool against her skin, crumpled but stiff. Xena rolls over to her side and looks at Gabrielle for another moment, waiting. She's starting to shiver, a slight chill creeping up her spine.

”Come to bed, Gabrielle,” Xena says. She doesn't mean to beg, but there is a hint of desperation in her voice. Gabrielle straightens and pulls the shutters closed, leaving the room in darkness. Xena hears a rustle of clothes, a pair of bare feet padding across the wooden floor, and she lets out a quiet breath as Gabrielle slides in beside her under the covers, warm and solid and comforting. She puts her hand on Gabrielle's side, and Gabrielle responds by tangling their legs together, bare skin against bare skin.

”I'm – hopeful about all this, I think,” Gabrielle says. ”I know everything's going to work out, but at the same time, I'm kind of – kind of clueless. This is all new to me. I don't know. I think I'm too tired to think about this right now.”

”It's okay.” Xena rans a hand down her side, over the curve of her waist. ”Tomorrow is a new day.”

”What exactly are we going to do next?” Gabrielle asks. ”Start looking for an apartment?”

”Yeah. And ways to make money.”

”You have any idea what kind of work we could do?”

”Not really. There's not much a woman can do to earn a living here.”

Gabrielle finds Xena's hand under the blankets, squeezing gently. ”Everything's okay, though, really,” she says, her voice filled with calm assurance. ”Together, we can do anything.”

Xena smiles and runs her thumb over Gabrielle's fingers. ”Anything,” she repeats.

They spend several days roaming the busy streets of the city, asking people if they know anyone who would be willing to rent a room to them, without success. Nobody seems to want them as tenants, which is not exactly surprising but still disappointing. Xena knows they need to find an apartment as soon as possible; they can't stay at the inn much longer, and the nights are getting too cold to sleep out, the days shorter every day.

”Well?” Xena says as Gabrielle comes out of the door, back from yet another meeting with a potential landlady. It's a gloomy day with a slight drizzle, and Xena is not even sure if it's the weather or just the fact that they've been looking for an apartment for a while now, but she's starting to feel a little depressed, a little annoyed. ”What did she say?”

”No apartments or rooms for rent,” Gabrielle says, stopping beside Argo and absently stroking his neck. ”But she said she knows someone who might be able to help. This woman called Antonia – she rents apartments, too, apparently. She lives just a few blocks from here, actually.”

”That'll be our next stop,” Xena says. ”You want to get up here?”

”I'll walk, thanks.”

The building in question is similar to the other buildings in the area: five stories high, plain and unimposing. A group of women stand near the entrance, talking animatedly, children running around their mothers and laughing. Gabrielle walks straight to them, a friendly smile already on her face.

”Excuse me,” Gabrielle says. ”We're looking for a woman called Antonia.”

One of the women steps forward. ”I'm Antonia. How can I help you?”

”We're looking for a place to stay for the next few months,” Xena says, swinging down from the horse and approaching the women. They all turn to look at her, wide-eyed and silent; even the kids have stopped running around, hiding behind their mothers' skirts and watching her with a mixture of curiosity and caution. 

Gabrielle puts a hand against Xena's chest, preventing her from getting any closer. ”I think it would be better if I handled this,” she says before turning back to the women. ”A woman called Claudia told me you might be able to help us. Do you have an apartment for rent?”

”I do,” Antonia says. ”Would you like to have a look at it? We can discuss the details inside.”

Gabrielle enters the building with her while Xena waits outside with Argo, standing on the side of the street with him. She busies herself with the horse and pretends not to notice the glances the women give her, wondering if she will ever be able to shake the feeling of being watched or followed. 

”I think we have an apartment now,” Gabrielle says when she comes back. She tries to act like this is not a big deal, but Xena can see she's secretly pleased with herself, eyes shining with excitement and lips twitching in an attempt to hold back a smile.

”Really?” Xena feels immediately better, relieved and so, so proud. ”Well done, Gabrielle. When can we move in?”

”Whenever we want,” Gabrielle says. ”From what I understand, the apartment has been empty for a while now.”

”Good,” Xena says. ”Now we just need to find a stable for Argo, but that's not going to be too difficult.”

”You want to do that right now?” Gabrielle asks. ”I wouldn't mind walking around a little. I feel – exhilarated.”

Xena smiles. ”Let's go.”

Their new apartment is small and simply furnished, only containing the bare essentials, but it feels like a luxury to them, having a roof on top of their heads, walls to keep out the wind and rain. The building is located on a narrow but busy street not far from the market, which means there's a lot of noise at all hours outside the apartment, but Xena doesn't really mind. She's slightly worried about Gabrielle, doesn't know how she'll get used to living in a place where everything is so different from home, but Gabrielle seems to be sleeping well despite the occasional noise from outside, and she's always smiling first thing in the morning, hair mussed and eyes soft as she looks at her from her side of the bed.

”There you are,” Xena says on a late afternoon a few days after they moved in, watching Gabrielle come through the door. ”Where have you been? I thought you'd be home by now.”

”Just across the street,” Gabrielle says, placing a bundle of cloth on the table. ”I got us some take-out. I didn't know if you'd eaten or not, so.”

”What were you doing over there?” Xena asks, leaning over the table to examine the contents of the cloth: chicken wings and bread. She has never been one for domesticity, but she could get used to this; sitting down at the table to eat dinner after a long day, Gabrielle leaning in to kiss her cheek before taking a seat next to her. 

”I was talking with one of our neighbors, and she mentioned that her friend's daughter has been sick for several days. Her friend couldn't afford to see a doctor, so I told her I'd take a look at her. It's not like I had anything better to do, anyway, so I thought, why not help her out.”

”Everything okay with her?”

”Yeah. I think she just has the flu, that's all. She wasn't feeling very well, though. I stayed there the entire afternoon, taking care of her.”

”I bet the mother really appreciated that,” Xena says, already digging into the food. 

”She did.” Gabrielle picks up a chicken wing and nibbles at it. ”She thanked me profusely, telling me she'd make it up to me somehow. I told her she doesn't have to, but – I don't know. She seemed very serious about it. Anyway, I think I'll go over to her place tomorrow, too. I want to make sure the girl is okay.”

”You could make a living out of this,” Xena says. ”Have you thought about that? You are pretty much as competent as a certified physician and easily approachable. I'm sure many people would be interested in your services, especially if you don't charge as much as the others.” 

”I don't know about that,” Gabrielle says, but the expression on her face changes, her eyes glowing in a way Xena has never seen before. ”Anyway – how about you? How was your day? Did you get any hunting done?”

”Not really, but I met a couple of guys who might be willing to hunt with me. Wouldn't hurt to work with some locals from time to time – they know the area better than I do, after all. And where to sell the meat.”

”I'm glad things are finally starting to work out,” Gabrielle says. ”Not that I didn't think they would, but, well, you know. It's not easy to start over in a new place.”

”I know.” Xena stops eating and looks at her. ”I'm glad, too.” She almost says, _I was starting to get worried, you know,_ but stops herself before the words slip out, getting up and walking over to the shelf near the window. ”You want some wine with your dinner?”

Gabrielle goes to see the girl the next day, just as she had told Xena she would do, and she's flustered when she comes back home in the evening, an almost timid smile on her face. She had an audience today, she tells Xena; the girl's mother had told her friends about her, and they had all come to see her, watching in stunned silence as she had taken care of the little girl, who was still sick but doing better than the day before. Some of them had asked her to examine their kids as well, and that's exactly what Gabrielle does. Three days later, and every woman in the neighborhood knows her name, some of them coming to their apartment to ask her for help or just to say hello. Gabrielle is busy on most days, gone from morning until later in the evening, but she's always in high spirits when she comes home, her good mood never faltering.

”I'm happier than I've been in a long time,” Gabrielle says one night when they're lying in bed, back home after a day out in the woods. Xena is already half-asleep, struggling to keep her eyes open, but Gabrielle's is awake enough that she knows she is telling the truth, her voice loud and clear in the near darkness of the room. ”I feel like my life finally has a meaning. I'm doing what I want to do, not what people want me to do, and it's – it's so great, this feeling of freedom, this sense of fulfilment. And it's all because of you.”

Xena turns her head on the pillow to look at her. ”You don't give yourself enough credit,” she says. ”You could have done it without me. You make other people's lives better every day. You're capable of so much more than you think.”

”But you're the one who made me believe in myself,” Gabrielle says. She brushes her fingers against Xena's, just lightly, the touch sending a shiver down Xena's spine. ”When I was younger – I didn't know there was another way to live. You showed it to me. You showed me there was more to life than what I had been living.”

”Remember when we were just getting to know each other?” Xena asks. ”You told me you had always wanted to travel. You wanted to do something that mattered. You knew that's what you wanted to do with your life. You just didn't know how to get there, that's all.”

”Maybe I would have figured it out on my own at some point,” Gabrielle says. ”But it's – it wouldn't be the same. You helped me become the person I am today. You saw me for who I was. My dreams, my strengths, my struggles, everything. It was very important for me to have someone like you in my life, someone who really cared. I don't know how my life would have been without you, but it couldn't have been better than this, because – because I want you, Xena. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Their fingers lace together in the space between their bodies. There are a million things Xena wants to say, and maybe that's why she doesn't know where to begin. She tries to swallow, but the lump in her throat doesn't move. Gabrielle looks at her, and there is so much emotion in her eyes that Xena forgets how to breathe for a moment.

”I love you,” Gabrielle says, and the words are spoken with such sincerity that it almost makes Xena's eyes fill with tears. She blinks and smiles at Gabrielle, squeezing her hand until she finds her voice.

”I love you too, Gabrielle,” she says, and Gabrielle's smile is brighter than the sun, lighting up the entire room and warming the coldest parts of Xena's heart.

Daily life becomes an easy routine. Xena spends most of her days hunting in the woods; Gabrielle stays in the city to work as the neighborhood doctor and occasionally joins her on her hunting trips. There are days when Xena stands by the window and looks down at the street, where Gabrielle is telling stories to the women and children of the neighborhood or cleaning a wound on a little girl's leg, eyes soft and hands gentle, and her chest swells with all the love she feels for her, the warmth spreading through her body until she feels like she's floating. It seems so unreal, the idea that someone like Gabrielle would love someone like her, but when Gabrielle comes home at the end of the day and kisses her on the cheek, she knows that it's real, that it's all real. Maybe she did something right after all, Xena thinks, closing her eyes at the feeling of Gabrielle's lips against her skin. Maybe she did something right, after all.

The winter is not as harsh as the previous one, just dark and cloudy and grey, a light cover of snow on the ground. The days are dull, almost boring, but that's not entirely a bad thing. Xena actually kind of enjoys it, the predictability of each day, her life a series of mundane routines punctuated by moments of peace with Gabrielle. She still has nightmares every once in a while, but not nearly as often as she used to. Sometimes Xena lies awake in the early hours of the morning, wondering if they will ever be able to experience peace and love and happiness at once, and her worries always melt away when Gabrielle rolls closer to her and brings Xena's left hand to her lips, kissing her fingertips until her heart fills with warmth and light and color, the cold emptiness giving way to a world of blooming, blooming flowers.


End file.
